Roughing the Reader

Now That's What I Call A Storybook Ending.

2008-11-02T14:31:00.003-05:00

Wow. I mean, wow. I know I haven't written anything in almost two months. Forgive me, for I have been busy. Also, about midway through the Phillies' run to the series, I decided not to update the blog for fear of jinxing anything. To be quite honest, it gave me what felt like a worthwhile excuse to be lazy, but whatever. The Phillies won the fucking World Series.

I have also found over the last couple months that it is much harder to consistently update a blog when living on your own in NYC than it is to update one when living with your parents in Philly. There are way more distractions here. Not that I'm complaining. And, to be honest, this will probably be my last post. It's not that I'm opposed to half-assing things - if I thought I could consistently half ass this blog, believe me, I would. But over the last few months this I've been quarter-assing this at best, and that's not something I want to keep doing.

Anyway, onto the Phillies - holy shit. I mean, it STILL hasn't really hit me. I spent Friday in Philadelphia having the time of my life with 2 million equally joyous people and it still hasn't entirely sunk in. And that's okay. I've got all the time in the world for that to happen. My life is forever changed for the better, and I have the Phillies thank for it. The Phillies. The Mother. Fucking. Phillies. The, in the immortal words of Chase Utley, "world fucking champion" Phillies. Good god, I will never get tired of that phrase.

When the Phillies won the World Series, after one of the more bizarre stretches in the history of playoff baseball, I was in New York. I was unfortunately at work when it happened, but shortly thereafter I was in a bar co-owned by a Phillies fan, celebrating with him and a few other equally elated and shocked Philly fans, none of whom I had previously met. It didn't matter. We celebrated deep into the night, and when I awoke Thursday afternoon with a giant smile on my face, it was time to head to Philly. After a subdued Thrusday night spent taking in recorded footage of the local post game coverage, it was time for a day about which I have spent many years dreaming. The day of the Phillies' World Series parade. Oh my.

Friday did not disappoint, even though SEPTA tried its hardest to fail miserably. And, for the most part, they did. I went to catch a 10:30 train downtown - it passed by me and everyone else on the platform. It was already full. This was not an uncommon occurrence throughout the city. Fortunately I randomly ran into a buddy of mine at the station and he was able to give me and my buddy Zach a ride downtown and our march toward the parade had begun. The streets were filled with jubilant people of all ages. We passed one group of kids who couldn't have been more than 15 years old. "Shouldn't you children be in school?" I asked with a big grin on my face. A girl in a Philles jersey turned to me and said, "Fuck school! 600 kids from our high school are absent today!" Schools weren't closed Friday, but a holiday was certainly observed.

On our way to the parade Zach and I stopped in a liquor store on 17th and JFK. The clerk inside was talking to a coworker about how he already had run 125 debit cards. It was 11:45 am. To say that a lot of people were drinking publicly would be a large understatement.

We finally ended up on the corner of Broad and Pine for the parade. Visibility was far from perfect, but it didn't really matter. The parade was still a great time, and there was literally not a cloud in the sky. We spent the next couple hours just wandering the crowded streets, occasionally hitting nearby bars. By the time I finally hopped on a bus back to New York, I was thoroughly exhausted, but that was quite alright. It was one of the better days of my life.

To close this story out, I'll share one last anecdote from this past week. When I got off the train at 30th Street Station Thursday night, I was standing next to another guy in full Phillies gear. He looked at me and this exchange followed:

Him: It's about damn time.
Me: My sentiments exactly.
Him: You know, it's funny, when I woke up today, the sky was a different shade of blue.
Me: And it always will be man. It always will be.

World fucking champions. It's about damn time.

Tom Brady's Injury Is Proof That God Loves Us And Wants Us To Be Happy

2008-09-09T00:42:00.003-04:00

I mean, wow. Wow wow wow. What a weekend. Tom Brady throws three passes and gets his ACL torn. Yes, there is a god. And He is a just god, because boy did Boston deserve this, those arrogant fucking pricks.

In additon to that game, which was glorious, the Eagles beat the shit out of the Rams (who looked terrible), the Phillies took two of three from the Mets (although I was at the loss Sunday night, which was the 2nd time I've seen Santana beat Hamels this season) the Panthers shocked the Chargers, and Brett Favre was, well, Brett Favre.

Now back to Brady. I mean, this is just fantastic. And yes, I am absolutely chugging haterade right now. This team isn't even guaranteed a playoff spot now (though I'm sure they'll get one). To be fair, Matt Cassell looked competent, but he WAS playing the Chiefs. I just really hope a 7-9 season is in the works, even if it means the continual fellation of the first place, Brett Favre led Jets. That's how much I hate the Patriots. Thank you Jebus. This weekend has been divine.

Am I The Only Person That Finds Michael Phelps Boring?

2008-08-18T23:06:00.005-04:00

Look, I don't mean any disrespect to Phelps. He's obviously an amazing swimmer. The best ever. He's a bona fide freak of nature, and hey, good for him. And I'm certainly not one of those idiots that thinks swimming isn't a sport. (Yes, they do exist.) But the greatest olympian ever? A swimmer? Really? I'm sorry, but Phelps and his 8 gold medals aren't even the most amazing story of these Olympics, let alone any Olympics. That title belongs to Usain Bolt, who fucking jogged his way to gold in the 100 meters and the 200 meters this week. Anyway, that's another story. Back to Phelps.

Was the comeback during the relay amazing? Yes, but that wasn't even Phelps during the anchor leg. Was the 7th gold in the butterfly by .01 seconds pretty cool? Absolutely. But 8 gold medals in one Olympics? Overrated. Look, only a swimmer could do that, because only swimming rewards people for being the best at simming inefficiently. There shouldn't be any strokes other than the crawl (which I believe is the technical name for the stroke everyone uses in freestyle races), because you wouldn't swim any other way if time was truly a factor. I don't care if you're the fastest in the world at the back stroke. There's a reason crab walking isn't an event in track and field. Ditto for hopping on one foot. If a lion was chasing you, you'd fucking RUN. And if a shark was chasing you, you'd being swimming the crawl. Well, you'd probably shit your wetsuit while crying and eventually die, but you get the idea.

And then, on top of everything else, there's the fact that Phelps himself is downright uninteresting. At least Mark Spitz had a porn 'stache. Phelps just has big teeth, bigger ears and an upper body that's 11 feet long. I'm not saying he doesn't deserve his Wheaties box. I'm just saying I'm glad swimming is finally over. Now I have time to enjoy what the Olympics are truly about:

Beach volleyball.
Now there's a sport I can get behind.

Giggedy giggedy, giggedy goo.

The Idiot's Guide To Proper Restaurant Etiquette

2008-07-31T14:32:00.006-04:00

Yes, I know this is a sports blog. And yes, there has been sort of a lot going on lately in the sports world (go Soul!), but not really. Ken Griffey Jr. is on the White Sox now? Wonderful. Manny was traded to the Dodgers? Nice Job Red Sox. You made out like bandits. Brett Favre is still a donkey raping shiteater? Par for the course. Last year I wrote The Idiot's Guide To Leaving A Tip and it seemed to go over fairly well. So now I'm writing a follow up to let people know how to conduct themselves in a restaurant.

This is not going to encompass the more obvious things, such s not sending things back seven times or insulting your server. If you don't know things like that, you're hopeless. This is meant to address the things that most people wouldn't think of unless they have worked in a restaurant before.

First of all, don't seat yourself unless there is a sign instructing you to do so. Even if you don't see a hostess, wait politely at the door until someone acknowledges you. Trust me, it wont take long. And, when you are seated, look at your menu! You're there to eat! I don't want to come back six times because you "haven't even looked yet". You'll have plenty of time to chat before, during and after your meal. (By the way, this doesn't mean you should rush into ordering. It just means you should start looking at the menu as soon as possible. That way, if you have questions, we can help you. And yes, please feel free to ask questions. Just don't ask stupid ones.)

When ordering, order entire courses together. (And it is ideal that you order everything at once, but if you want to get some appetizers working while you decide on your main courses, that's totally fine.) Don't have me bring out your entrees and then decide you want that side of fries. That annoys the kitchen staff to no end, and they are NOT the people you want to piss off. Oh, and if you're one of those weirdos that wants a side of mayo with his burger, order it when you order the burger. Don't make me go get it when the burger arrives. You know damn well you wanted that side of mayo, you fucking weirdo. You ordering it at the last minute is not going to make me not judge you.

Now that you have ordered, don't complain about food taking too long. I'm just the fucking waiter. I'm not back there cooking it too.

When your food has arrived, there are a couple of mid-meal things you must consider. First of all, if you need something, such as more napkins, or another fork, ask me for them. Do not grab that roll up from another table because "you didn't want to bother me". Who the fuck do you think has to replace that roll up? Don't you think that taking another napkin, putting a fork, knife and spoon in it, rolling it up and putting it back on the table might inconvenience me more than just getting you some more napkins? For fuck's sake people, bringing you shit is my job. If you want to get your own napkins and silverware, go to a fast food joint.

And, if there is a problem with your food, it really is okay to say something. If your steak or burger is undercooked, or if you asked us to hold something (due to an allergy or religious reasons) and we didn't, please feel free to point it out. You're paying for this meal, you deserve to have it prepared properly. Just don't be a dick about it. Don't complain because you asked for no lettuce on your burger and there was still lettuce when it arrived. Just take the lettuce off and eat the damn burger, you fucking prima donna.

Once you're finished with everything, and your server asks you if you need anything else, don't sit there and say, "Oh, I think we're okay for now". What the fuck does that mean? Do you want a few minutes to think about dessert? Fine. Say that. Are you done? Then ask for the check. And when it arrives, hey asshole, pay it! Feel free to sit and talk as long as you like, but pay your check right away (and tip 20%). You never know when my shift is over and your open check is the last thing keeping me from going out and getting hammered.

By following these simple guidelines, I can assure that your dining experience will be the best one possible. And it will also make my job a lot easier, so everybody wins.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go find as many pieces regarding my first place Phillies as possible. After all, some people who say they write about sports actually do it.

Favraro Needs To Be Taken Out Back And Shot

2008-07-18T15:52:00.002-04:00

I don't know who first coined the term "Favraro", but good god is it fitting. This story just wont die, even thought the vast majority of the populace doesn't give half of a shit. What the hell is Brett Favre thinking? He's "got the itch"? Hey Brett, you're always going to have "the itch" to play football. You're a professional football player! It's all you know. Guys don't retire because they stop liking football. They retire because they're skills diminish and training camp takes too much of a toll on their older bodies.

Those two qualifiers certainly seem to apply to Favre. Despite a pretty good season last year, his skills are clearly not what they once were, and let's not forget his shitting of the proverbial bed in the NFC championship game. At home. Against a Wild Card team. And yes, I know they won the Super Bowl. But still. And as for the rigors of training camp, that stuff takes its toll on 21 year olds. Favre is 38. 38 for a football player is downright ancient. Why Favre would want to subject himself to that all for the sake of maybe winning a playoff game is beyond me.

What is also beyond me is why any NFL team would convey interest in Favre. I think the Vikings did it just to screw with the Packers. John Clayton says the Redskins and the Panthers wont get involved. At this point I can't imagine what team would. A 38 year old egomaniac hick who just happens to be a slightly better than average (at best!) quarterback at this point in his career? No thanks. Not even Jerry Jones is crazy enough to take on Favre. Someone needs to convince Hank Steinbrenner that Favre can pitch. No that would be a story.

Anyway, the bottom line is that Favre has ruined what was going to be a shiny, surefire hall of fame legacy. Yes, he'll end up in the Hall, but now were going to remember him as that idiot drama queen who didn't know when to call it a day. Even if he never plays another game, the damage has been done. And I haven't gotten into how disrespectful he's being to Packers fans, arguably the most devoted fans in all of American sports. Well done, Brett. You have achieved irreversible douchetard status. You should be proud. Now please, fuck off.

Chase Utley Is Awesome, Josh Hamilton Is Good At Hitting Baseballs, Billy Wagner And J.D. Drew Can Rot in the Firiest Pits Of Hell

2008-07-17T14:09:00.002-04:00

Hmm, it's a been a little while since I've posted anything. Sorry about that. Anyway, if for whatever reason you haven't seen how Chase Utley really feels about being booed, here it is:

Also, Josh Hamilton's display of 28 home runs in the first round was pretty damn impressive, but then he had to go and lose all anticlimactically. And then he STILL had to go thank his lord and savior. Guhhhh. If he really thinks Jesus is the reason he is where he is today, that's super, but please, spare me the preaching. I don't go telling everyone about that talking cat named Mittens that convinced me to stop strangling hookers.

And of course J.D. Drew had to be the MVP of an All Star game that a Phillie lost. At least Lidge didn't blow a lead like Wagner. Got I hate Billy Wagner. And J.D. Drew. They're both on the short list of people that would make me smile if they got hit by a bus.

Brett Favre has also worked his way onto that list. More on that tomorrow. Now I need to head to work.

All Star Game Thoughts, Part 2

2008-07-07T22:22:00.002-04:00

Yesterday I went over who is starting for the American League as well as who should be starting. Today I will do the same for the National League. Let's get right to it.

(All Stats as of July 6th.)

Catcher: Geovany Soto, Cubs. .289/15/52. I think the difference between Soto and Brian McCann (Braves - .293/15/48) is small enough that the fact that Soto's team is in 1st place should give him the nod. Pretty crappy year for catchers across the majors.

1st Base: Lance Berkman, Astros. .349/22/70/74 R/.437 OBP. Berkman is having a phenomenal year and is the clear choice here despite a strong class of NL 1st baseman.

2nd Base: Chase Utley, Phillies. .294/25/68. Utley is having a typically superb year and deserves to start, but it's a lot closer than I would have imagined due to the excellent play of Dan Uggla (Marlins - .289/23/58).

3rd Base: Chipper Jones, Braves. .388/18/50/.485 OBP. As much as I hate Larry, he's a hell of a baseball player having a hell of a year. No argument here.

Shortstop: Hanley Ramirez, Marlins. .303/21/43/21 SB. Ramirez is also the clear choice in a down year for shortstops. Still no complaints so far with the fans choices, but I may have spoken too soon...

Outfield: Ryan Braun, Brewers, (.284/21/59). Alfonso Soriano, Cubs, (.283/15/40). Kosuke Fukudome, Cubs, (.287/7/35). Ah, here we go. Now I have some complaints. Braun is fine, he's having a good year when most NL outfielders aren't. Soriano shouldn't be starting, but I don't have a problem with him being on the team. Fukudome is a different matter. His numbers are above average, sure. But starting an All Star game? You've got to be kidding. He shouldn't even be on the team. So who else should be starting? Well, two guys who are eligible for the final spot, Carlos Lee (Astros - .292/20/70) and Pat Burrell (Phillies - .278/22/54/.410 OBP). The fact that one of these guys isn't going to make the team is ridiculous when you've got guys like Fukudome and Ryan Ludwick occupying spots. And yes, I understand that the suggested starting outfield of Carlos Lee, Ryan Braun and Pat Burrell might be the worst defensive outfield of all time, but so what? It's a fucking all star game.

As for the designated hitter, just put Pujols there and let Adrian Gonzalez be the first sub at 1st base.

All right, I've said my peace. As usual, I'm right. But hey, that's why they pay me the big bucks.

Blind Homerism Carries 7 Cubs, Red Sox, To All Star Game

2008-07-06T20:36:00.004-04:00

Yes, Cubs and Red Sox fans have voted 7 players in from each of their respective teams. Of those 14 players, 7 were voted in as starters, and at least one of them even deserves to start! Which one? That will be revealed shortly as I go position by position. Let' start with the American League, which I'm sure will find a way to win despite having what seems like a vastly inferior roster. The fans' choices will appear first, and if I disagree, the player I think should be starting will follow.

(All stats are as of July 5th)

Catcher: Joe Mauer, Twins. .325/4/37.415 OBP. I have no problem with this. He's hitting .325, and no other catcher in the AL is putting up numbers worthy of supplanting him here.

1st Base: Kevin Youkilis, Red Sox. .310/13/53. Youkilis is having a fine season, but Justin Morneau (Twins - .307/12/65) is having a better one. Not exactly a banner year for AL 1st baseman though.

2nd Base: Dustin Pedroia, Red Sox. .312/9/39/60 R/9 SB. Pedroia is another fine young player, but the fact that Ian Kinsler (Rangers - .332/14/53/79 R/23 SB) isn't starting here is a damn shame. Kinsler is having what is easily the best season of any AL 2nd baseman and deserves to start.

3rd Base: Alex Rodriguez, Yankees. .320/17/49/.407 OBP. Despite missing a couple weeks, A-Rod is having a typically swell season and deserves to start. His competition isn't exactly fierce either, as the only other 3B on the AL roster is Joe Crede (Withe Sox - .261/15/47).

Shortstop: Derek Jeter, Yankees. .280/4/36. These are probably the worst numbers Jeter has ever had at this point in the season, which says a lot about his career. Michael Young (Rangers - .292/7/46) is having a better year, but whatever. The game is in Yankee Stadium and it's Derek Jeter.

Outfield: Josh Hamilton, Rangers, (.309/19/84). Ichiro Suzuki, Mariners, (.303/3/21/61 R/34 SB). Manny Ramirez, Red Sox (.279/16/53). Hamilton is a no-brainer. Ichiro will be voted in as a starter 3 years after he's dead. And Manny... well, you could argue that Carlos Quentin (White Sox - .273/19/61) is having a better season - and he is - but Manny hit his 500th home run this season, he's having a pretty good year, and whatever, he's Manny. Quentin is only 25. He'll get his chance.

Designated Hitter: David Ortiz, Red Sox (.252/13/43). Ortiz is hurt and wont be able to play. He will be replaced by Milton Bradley (Rangers - .320/17/54) who is having a very good season. Whatever. Look, voting for a DH in all star games is stupid. Yes, there should be a DH regardless of where the game is being played, but fans shouldn't be forced to choose between guys who just DH. The DH should just be whatever position player got the most votes among non starters. Theres no reason for Ortiz, who has missed over 30 games this season, to be voted in as a starter.

Starting Pitcher: Starters have yet to be determined, but I think Cliff Lee, Indians (11-1/2.43 ERA/1.04 WHIP/99 K/19 BB/ 118.2 IP) should start. He's struggled a little as of late, but overall he's been phenomenal this season.

That's it for the American League. National League will be done tomorrow.

The Rays Are NOT A Great Story For Baseball (And thoughts On Euro 2008)

2008-07-01T22:09:00.003-04:00

It's nothing personal against the players. The team has drafted well and has done quite a job of stockpiling talent. I respect that, and yes, it is nice to see a relatively small market team compete with the likes of Boston and New York.

But this team is in first place. In the American League East. And they played (and beat) the Red Sox tonight. The attendance? Just over 31,000, or 75% capacity. The team is in first place! They're playing the Red Sox! Who are these people, Braves fans? Go to the fucking games! I'm sorry, but there are no real baseball fans in the south. And there are no real pro sports fans in Florida. But I digress.

On to Euro 2008, which may have been the best soccer tournament I've ever seen. Spain was dominant throughout, and it's always nice to see the Germans lose. Spain was the best team the entire time, going 6-0 in the tournament. And that final was probably the most entertaining 1-0 game I've ever seen. Spain looked great throughout and now has to be among the favorites in 2008.

If Spain was the best team in the tourney, Turkey was definitely the most entertaining. I thought the games were going to need an NC-17 rating with the way they kept pulling goals out of their asses. It's too bad they couldn't pull it off against Germany.

Anyway, if you watched any of this tournament and still find soccer boring, I don't know what to tell you. I guess you're just a moron. Personally, I'm pretty psyched for the World Cup. I like Argentina and Spain in the final, which would be one hell of an entertaining game. Lets hope it happens so I look smart.

Happy Fourth of July everyone. You wont be hearing from me again before then. Enjoy the holiday.

The Official Flyers Post

2008-06-23T18:06:00.001-04:00

I understand it's baseball season, but bear with me. Hockey season is, after all, never more than three months away.

Growing up in Philadelphia, I was always into sports, both in terms of playing and following. Until I was about 8 years old (1992), none of the Philly teams were any good. The Eagles had a tremendous defense led by Reggie White and Jerome Brown and an always interesting offense with Randle Cunningham at the helm, but the Redskins, Giants, and Cowboys were always better. And then Jerome died and Reggie said it wasn't about the money and left for more money, and Rich Kotite came to town, and well, I'd really rather not get into it.

In 1993 the Phillies made a magical run and lost in tragic fashion, and the Sixers thought trading Charles Barkley for a white guy was a good idea. (It wasn't.) And then, out of nowhere, the Flyers, a team that had lost at least 37 games in each of its last 5 seasons, started making some noise in 1994. They had this new guy, Eric Lindros. And they had this old guy, Bobby Clarke. And then all of a sudden, a team that had been a doormat for 5 years was, in a season that didn't start until January 21st, the Atlantic Division champs. And they went all the way to the Eastern Conference Finals, sweeping the defending champion Rangers on their way there. And I was hooked.

In the 95-96 season, they took a slight step backward, losing to the Florida Panthers in the semifinals. But still, it was clear that this team was going to be a force to be reckoned with. And in 1996-97, they were. They won 45 games for the second consecutive season, and cruised to a 12-3 record in the playoffs, earning a date with the Detroit Red Wings. And then the wheels came off.

The Red Wings didn't just beat the Flyers - they destroyed them. even at age 12, this was painfully obvious to me. They were faster, they were fancier, and shit, they were just better. In retrospect, that series marked the dawn of a new era in hockey. The game was no longer about big guys like Eric Lindros and John LeClair. Sure, you could win a lot of games with guys like that, but you can't win the most important games. You need to kill penalties, you need to score on power plays, and you need to not get hurt.

And yet, the Flyers kept on keepin' on. They kept making the playoffs and we as Philadelphians kept drinking the orange Kool Aid. And then in 2000, it looked like they might finally do it. After dropping the first two games at home to the Penguins in the conference semis, they won game 3 in overtime. And then they won game 4 in the fifth overtime. And well, you don't recover from a loss like that. At home. They won the next two against an already defeated Penguins team and had a date with the Devils, a team that I hate more than every other team in the world not from Dallas. And the Flyers went up 3 games to 1. And they were doing all of this without their melon-skulled captain, Eric Lindros.

And then they lost game 5 at home. And game 6 on the road. And then Lindros made his heroic early return from his 247th concussion for game 7. And Then Scott Stevens knocked him the fuck out. And they lost. And by then, I was done. I was no longer some 12 year old who actually thought his team still had a future. At age 16, I knew that this current group of players - and that current type of big, bruising player - wasn't going to cut it. And I also knew that if you wanted to win a Stanley Cup, you need a top of the line goalie. You know who didn't know that? Bobby Clarke. He brought in guys like Keith Primeau and Jeremy Roenick, guys who were undeniably good players, and at the same, undeniably not good enough to build a cup winning team around. If a 16 year old that had never played hockey understood what needed to be done, one would think a Hall of Famer would have been able to figure it out. One would be wrong.

In 2004 The Flyers started to suck me back in when they forced the Lightning to a game 7 in the Eastern conference finals. But even then, I knew they weren't going to win. They were the Flyers, and this was a game 7. And sure enough, they lost to a team that scored on half of their power plays in the series, which is usually a good way to go about winning hockey games. And then the lockout happened and hockey was officially dead to me.

And then, this season, something strange happened. Last season (06-07) the Flyers had the worst record in the NHL, which made them super easy to not care about. And then, in the offseason, they made some changes. Bobby Clarke was no longer in charge of personnel decisions, and the free agents they signed, headlined by Danny Briere, were the type of hockey player that this team has needed for countless seasons. And the team came roaring out of the gate. And yes, they had a few hiccups, at one point losing 10 games in a row. But they held on, made the playoffs, beat two division winners, including the top seed in the conference, Montreal, and eventually lost to a team that was healthier, and, well, better.

And what's different this time around is that this team really does have nowhere to go but up. This team, with young, talented players like Briere and Mike Richards, is going to keep getting better. Do I think they'll win a Stanley Cup? Hell no, they're the Flyers. They've broken my heart far too many times for me to just take them back. But watching some of their games this past season, I actually found myself caring about the result of their games, which is something I hadn't done since 2000. Am I ready to trust the Flyers again? No. (You burn in hell, Bobby Clarke.) But is hockey still dead to me? You know, I don't think it is. And honestly, that's kinda nice. After all, hockey does kick ass.

It's Time For Some Changes

2008-06-18T15:19:00.002-04:00

Dearest Reader(s?),

I've been writing this blog for almost 18 months now, which seems like both a very long time and no time at all. Throughout those 18 months the type of post has varied considerably. There are long, well written posts about various sports subjects (infrequent, not at all gay) and there are small blurbs about the Phillies and how sexy I think Cole Hamels and Chase Utley are (very frequent, pretty darn gay). About a year ago I decided to go from a general sports blog to a Philly Sports blog, because I thought it would be important to write what I know.

This is partially true. You should write what you know, and I do know Philly sports.

The problem is, if you're going to blog about the sports scene in a big city, you can't take days off, because something is always happening. Especially in Philadelphia, a city that needs to scrutinize the actions of every member of every professional sports team at all times. I like days off. I don't have the determination to be a multiple-posts-a-day-blog like The 700 Level. Those guys get their shit done on a daily basis, and they do it well. That ain't entirely my style.

And so, yet again, I'm shifting gears. From here on in, I'll be posting at most twice a week, but probably closer to once. The posts will be longer. The posts will be better. And, unless Cole or Chase does something particularly sexy and I feel the need to gush, the mancrush references will be kept to a minimum. Will the blog still be Philly-centric? Probably. It is, after all, what I know. But I'll have plenty to say about other stuff too, so bear with me. The next post is going to be one I've been working on in my head for months now, if not years, and I think it'll be pretty decent when I get done. It should be ready by this weekend.

For those of you that have been reading this from the start, even if it's only three of you, thanks. I mean that genuinely, and I promise to make continuing to read this worth your while going forward.

Sincerely,

Lionel McClure

An Interview With Everyone's Favorite 24 year-Old Curmudgeon

2008-06-09T12:57:00.005-04:00

Well, okay, maybe he isn't everyone's favorite. Hell, he might not be anyone's favorite. But he is a 24 year-old curmudgeon, which is worth something I guess. Anyway, Zwill has decided that he's too lazy to be writing blog posts - a view I both understand and respect - but he will answer questions should I provide them. Fair enough. Less work for me. So now, without further ado, the first ever edition of Zwill Speaks (sort of):

Q: Should Willie Randolph be fired? If so, who should replace him?

A: I've defended Willie up to this point, mainly because I don't see him as the problem. Old hitters, an atrocious farm system and a paper-thin roster that is far too reliant on Wright, Beltran and Reyes - those are the reasons why the Mets are a mediocre squad. Omar Minaya is the party most responsible for the ongoing shitshow in Queens, not Willie. In the three years prior to the Randolph era, the Mets won 75, 66 and 71 games, respectively. In Willie's three full seasons, the Mets have won 83, 97 and 88 games, respectively. He deserves some credit for that improvement. That said, it is becoming quite clear that Randolph is a major part of the problem with the team. He may not be the main problem but he is clearly not equipped to get the most out of the squad's underachievers. With last month's half-hearted vote of confidence from the ownerships, it's looking less and less likely that he will make it to the end of the season, nevermind 2009.

If the Mets had anyone - and I mean ANYONE - in their organization with managerial prospects, the move would have been made in May. They don't. My guess is that Minaya starts by shaking up the coaching staff in the next few weeks - perhaps Jerry Manuel, Willie's right-hand man - and then fires Randolph after the squad makes a too-little, too-late push for the division and finishes five or six games back.

Q: Why is Luis Castillo hitting 2nd?

A: Luis Castillo is the #2 hitter because he has one of the best OBPs on the squad. This is actually one of Randolph's more defensible moves. Strategically, he is passable: His bullpen management leaves something to desire and his odd fascination with certain scrubs can be irritating. On the whole, however, he doesn't harm the team games with his in-game management. He harms the team by walking around with a giant black cloud over his head, right next to the axe.

Q: 4 games to the Padres? Really?

A: Yes, four losses to the Pads. Four horrible losses to one of the worst teams in the league, a team with only two hitters who can even be considered above replacement level at the moment (Giles and Gonzalez) and several hitters with sub-300 OBPs (Greene, Bard, Hairston, Huber). They are very lucky that the universe conspired to distract anyone from watching the series: Three games at 10PM EST, the NBA Finals, the Belmont Stakes, the French Open, the opening games of the Euro Championships, several dramatic Yankee wins. Seriously, why would anyone watch the Mets this month?

Q: What's going to happen to Jeremy Shockey?

A: No clue. If there was one cloud to go along with the Giant silver lining that was Super Bowl 42 (shitty pun, eh?), it was the marginalization of Jeremy Shockey. Don't forget what Shockey has meant to Giant fans since he came into the league. He's been on the team for six years. That's a long time in football. Giant fans grew attached to him. Yeah, he's an asshole. He grunts and shouts and throws off his helmet and takes 15-yard taunting penalties and calls opposing coaches "faggot" and fires up the opposition for every single game. I get it, he's a douchebag. But he's OUR douchebag. Giant fans (most football fans, I think) love that type of guy - the guy who runs headfirst into a gang tackle and pops right back up and sprints back to the huddle. He is basically the ultimate white football player for the Aughts. He behaves in a manner nearly-always associated with angry black men who are treated like louts for their actions. But Jeremy Shockey has a tattoo of an eagle blending into an American flag on his bicep. He's one of us.

So watching the Giants come together without him (and perhaps in spite of him?) last season was kind of awkward for longtime supporters. (We did have the soothing Super Bowl victory to help ease our pain.) And listening to Giants fans turn their back on him after Kevin Boss made a few catches in the playoffs was downright traitorous in my opinion. Shockey has unsurprisingly handled this entire situation poorly. Rather than take strides to show his support for his teammates, he has gone the other way: Avoiding the stadium entirely during the Super Bowl, skipping team celebrations after the win, making negative statements in the press for the last few months, skipping team minicamps. The man clearly needs a better press agent. I don't see the team trading him at this point, nor do I expect an outright release. A holdout wouldn't surprise me but the most likely scenario is that Shockey returns to the squad and mopes around the field for another season before departing after the 2008 season.

Q: How many regular season games are the Giants going to win?

A: I don't know and I don't care. We won the Super Bowl!!!

There you have it folks, the first ever Zwill Speaks (sort of). It wont be the last, because I'm pretty lazy. If any of you loyal readers (HA!) have any questions you'd like to have answered (double HA!) by a surly yet somewhat placated (due to the Super Bowl) New York sports fan, please feel free to email them to me.

And yes, I'm aware the Phillies have been kicking some serious ass. It's awesome. Keep it up fellas.

Cole Hamels Continues To Be Sextacular

2008-06-06T16:40:00.003-04:00

What is "sextacular" exactly? I'm not sure, but Cole Hamels fully embodies it. After pitching his second complete game shutout in 3 weeks, the Phillies were back to 10 games over .500 and tied for the 5th best record in the majors. Hamels is only 6-4, but he's had really crappy run support. He's sporting a 3.36 ERA with a sparkling 1.07 WHIP and 73 Ks in 91 innings.

Anyway, the Phils have won 10 of their last 12 and are playing well, but they'll need to keep it up because they have a very tough 15 game stretch coming up, including 9 straight on the road against Atlanta (starting tonight), Florida, and St. Louis, though they do have a day off between Atlanta and Florida. After that it's back home to play the AL's two best teams, Boston and The Los Angeles Angels of Whatever The Hell That Team's Name Is. This stretch should show us what kind of team the Phillies really are. Hopefully it's the good kind.

Jay Williams: Hell Of A Nice Guy, Lousy Tipper

2008-06-02T14:10:00.002-04:00

And yes, I do mean the Duke educated, motorcycle-riding Jay Williams. I work in a restaurant in the West Village. It's a high end Mexican place that just opened a few weeks ago. Yesterday evening a guy walks in with a couple of friends and asks for a table. We don't have a hostess on Sundays, so I sat him, although it wasn't in my section. Beyond that I didn't think much of it, until I actually took a good look at the guy. Unfortunately none of my coworkers are really sports fans, at least not on the scale that they would recognize a guy who played one year in the NBA before an accident permanently derailed his career.

Anyway, I eventually just went up to him and said "Hey, this might seem out of the blue, but if the answer is 'Yes' you're probably pretty used to it: Are you Jay Williams?" He laughed and said that he indeed was, then asked me my name and shook my hand. I asked him if he was ever going to play again and he said that he wasn't, but he was going to start as an analyst for ESPN the next day (i.e. today). If everything goes well it'll turn into a permanent gig. I wished him luck and let him enjoy the rest of his meal. On the rare occasions I do encounter a celebrity, I understand the concept of essentially treating them like anyone else, which is what I imagine most of them want. (To be fair, if I ever met Chase Utley or Cole Hamels, I'd probably gush and giggle like a schoolgirl.)

I told the girl that was waiting on him that if he paid, I wanted to see what kind of a tip he left. His bill was $71, and he left a $10 tip, which is a little less than 15%, which is pretty crappy. I'm certainly not accusing him of being cheap - if he were truly cheap he probably would have left even less - I just don't think he knows any better. Granted, there's no real excuse for not knowing any better, but whatever. I'm not gonna hold it against him. But I will call him a lousy tipper.

And, speaking of Chase Utley, he hit his league leading 20th home run last night, as those 1st place Phillies came back to take 2 out of 3 from the Marlins. This team is playing well, have scored more runs than any team other than the Cubs, and are now a season-best 8 games over .500.

Also, Mike Lieberthal signed a one day contract with the Phillies and officially retired a Phillie, which is nice. He played 13 season for the Phillies and made a couple of all-star teams, and he was a stand up guy through and through. Good to have you back Mike, even if it was only for a day.

Take That Colorado!

2008-05-29T03:46:00.003-04:00

WE won three games this time! Not you! Suck it!

No, this doesn't make me feel any better in the long run. But the Phillies are 31-24. Which is cool. They have been scoring a lot of runs lately (48 runs in 4 games? Hell yeah).

Chase Utley hit his major league leading 17th dinger, Adam Eaton finally won a game, and all is groovy. For now. The Marlins are in town starting Friday. We need to take at least 2 of 3. Fingers crossed baby. I sure do love baseball season.

Go Phils.

I Can't Believe I'm Rooting For The Celtics AND The Lakers

2008-05-22T18:40:00.002-04:00

But alas, I am. I can't deal with a Spurs - Pistons finals. That would be almost as bad as 2003 when we were about 6 outs from a Cubs - Red Sox World Series and we ended up with Marlins - Yankees. Jesus that was awful. Anyway, my apologies for not posting anything in almost a week. I never thought I'd wax nostalgic for Comcast, but man, Time Warner blows some serious cock. We haven't even been in this apartment a month and already the modem is fucking around.

But whatever, I'll live. Cole Hamels is still muy sexy, so it's cool that that was the headline here for a week. And Ryan Howard is starting to come around, which is nice. Let's hope this is the start of a four month stretch of awesomeness.

Cole Hamels Tambien Es Muy Sexy

2008-05-16T14:05:00.002-04:00

Muy, muy, sexy. Perhaps even as sexy as Chase Utley. Just look at that line last night: 9IP, 2 BB, 4 hits, 6 Ks, 32 batters faced, no runs. That my friends, is an ace. The Phils are one game out of first behind... the Marlins. This has to end at some point, right? It damn well better.

Oh, and the Flyers won. Which is nice. But something tells me they won't win 3 more in a row. Oh well. That doesn't affect Cole Hamels' sexiness.

At Least The Phillies Won This Time

2008-05-14T01:48:00.004-04:00

Which is nice. Although Brad Lidge's ERA is now above 0.00. But, to be fair, Werth did misplay a ball in center with two outs that allowed said run to score. And, to continue being fair, we can forgive him because he drove in 80% of the Phillies' 5 runs. Still, someone needs to explain to me why Victorino isn't back in center. He catches everything.

One more thing about this game - Chipper Jones went 3 for 4 to raise his average to .415. Which is impressive, even for him. I've never liked Chipper, but the man can rake. It's a little scary to think about how good his already impressive career numbers would be if he hadn't missed so many games over the last four years.

Anyway, onto the Flyers, who find themselves down 3 games to none after losing 4-1 Tuesday night. What did you think would happen to a team playing without its top two defensemen? And against a team like the Penguins? That's just too much to overcome. It happens. Hockey is a rough sport. They played hard.

Cheer up Flyers fans. This team is going to keep getting better.

Phils Lose, Flyers Lose, Everbody Loses

2008-05-12T14:09:00.003-04:00

Well, except the Penguins and the Giants. They didn't lose. At least Jimmy Rollins is back. If nothing else, he should help Howard. The man is hitting .171 for fuck's sake. And slugging a just as miserable .357. I don't know what his problem is, but it has to improve if this team is going to get back to the playoffs.

And as for the Flyers, well, everything this season has been a free roll anyway. This team finished last in the NHL last year, and now they're in the Eastern Conference finals, which was something I used to take for granted. Of course it was also assumed that they would lose in heartbreaking fashion, because Bobby Clarke is a shithead. At least this team will (hopefully) keep getting better.

And, to be fair, this series isn't over. But they've got a long road ahead of them. Good luck fellas.

Phils Win, Utley Continues To Struggle

2008-05-08T00:59:00.002-04:00

1-3? Only one RBI? I don't care if it was the game winner in the top of the 8th Chase, you're down to .350. That's unacceptable. No less than .440. We had a deal.

Anyway, the Phils came back multiple times to beat the Diamondbacks 5-4. Kendrick pitched decently, Feliz hit a homer to raise his average to a robust .228 (hey, he does have 5 homers, and they seem to come at opportune times), Lidge was lights out for the save, and the Phils improved to 20-15, which ties them for first with... Florida? Florida? I don't get it either. Whatever. I'll take it.

Also, that Celtics-Cavs game was the worst game of basketball I've seen since the Masterman Girls JV basketball team lost to the Hallahan Girls JV basketball team 14-13 in 32 minutes in 1999. Lebron was missing shots that Eric Snow would have made. Okay, maybe not Eric. But you get the idea. Terrible. Just fucking terrible. I guess the series has nowhere to go but up.

Anything but Spurs-Pistons. That's all I ask.

Roger Clemens Is SUCH A Fucking Asshole

2008-05-05T19:04:00.002-04:00

I mean, wow. What a dicknose. Banging a 15 year old while you were 28, married, and father to two idiotically named children? Really Roger? You think any of us really give a fuck if you deny it? We don't believe you. Your word carries about as much weight as Mary Kate Olsen. It's one thing to abuse steroids, it's another entirely to abuse a 15 year old country singer, among other extra marital offenses.

Roger Clemens, you truly are an asshole.

These Recent Events Confuse Me

2008-05-04T18:55:00.003-04:00

Not so much the Phillies. They're a much better team than the Giants and should have had less trouble taking 2 out of 3 than they did. They need 3 errors to get the job done today. That being said, a win is a win. And the Sixers don't surprise me either. Well, come to think of it, the fact that they won 2 games was a bit of a surprise.

But they Flyers? Didn't this team have the fewest points in the NHL last year? I understand that that wasn't this team, but still. Ousting the number 1 seed in 5 games is pretty damn impressive. Still, I've seen this before from the Flyers. We all have. I'll believe it when they're holding a giant silver thing over their heads and taking turns kissing it. It's not that they don't matter to me, it's just... well, I'm not getting into it right now. I've been working on a Flyers Manifesto in my head for months now. I'll be done it soon. I'm pretty sure I know how it ends, but I hope I'm wrong.

Annnnnd.... I'm Back

2008-05-01T15:40:00.003-04:00

I know you missed me. Thanks for perservering. What? What do you mean you didn't even notice I was gone? Well to hell with you then.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. You know I love you.

Anyway, a lot has happened since I left Philadelphia. The Pistons started playing like the Pistons, the Sixers started playing like the Sixers, the Phillies have managed to stay above .500 the entire time, and the Flyers... look, I'm not going there. I don't care if they're one win from the Conference Finals. We've seen this before. Many times. I certainly want them to win, but I'm not getting sucked in. Not now. I would be a fool to let myself succumb to that foul temptress' charms right now.

The Sixers are sucking me in though. Not because I think they'll beat the Pistons, but because this team has a legitimately bright future, and I love me some basketball. They're still a couple years and a couple players away, but the foundation (which includes Andre Miller) is there.

And the Phillies, well, they're doin' okay. They surprised me by not dropping 2 of 3 to the Pirates. That would have been a classic Phillies move. Also, one other reason I'm not terribly worried is that apparently Billy Wagner has called out Oliver Perez for some of the Mets' struggles of late (even though they're above .500). That man never learns. He's a hell of a pitcher when he's on, but Jesus, he sure is a dick. I don't miss him one bit, and I don't think anyone else in Philly does either.

Sixers Win, Phillies Win, Everybody Wins!

2008-04-26T16:15:00.003-04:00

Except of course for the Pistons and Pirates. And that damn parrot is a rip off of the Phanatic. Just look at him! He's fuzzy, green, pear-shaped and pantless. Just like the Phanatic. I would call shenanigans, but then I realized I really don't care. Anyway, I have no fucking idea what's going on with the Sixers, but I like it.

This will be my last post for a couple days because I'm moving, so for the six of you that read this, try to make do without me. I wont be gone long.

Phils Win 3-1, Utley Disappoints

2008-04-24T16:09:00.003-04:00

3 for 4 with THREE singles? Geez Chase, there goes you streak of games with an extra base hit. Only one run scored? Slacker. You're only hitting .385! I expect no less than .440 this year! Get on it.

Pat the Bat also continued his hot streak, driving in two runs in the 8th with a double. Gordon pitched out of jam in the 8th for the win. Moyer pitched pretty well, but he got some help from Brewer baserunning mistakes (two pickoffs, and Corey Hart was thrown out at third trying to stretch a double into a triple with no one out). Lidge got the save in the 9th. We'll certainly take it.

Good work fellas. Keep it up.

Rest Assured I Was On The Internet Within Minutes, Registering My Disgust Throughout The World

2008-04-23T22:58:00.004-04:00

Kudos to anyone who understands the reference in the title of this post. Anyway, the Sixers reached into their own asses tonight and pulled out a handful of crap, unlike Sunday when they pulled out a victory. Oh well. I don't think anyone expected them to win tonight.

And the Phillies blew a lead in the 8th, allowing a 2 run homer to Prince Fielder (pictured, left) for the second time that game. God forbid you guys string 4 wins together. But hey, I can't be greedy. That would make me a Boston fan, and then I wouldn't be able to see my own reflection. Can't have that. Anyway, Grampa Moyer takes the hill tomorrow, so hopefully the Phils will bounce back.

Oh, and the Flyers play tomorrow night, which is cool. I guess.

FUCK and YES

2008-04-22T23:44:00.003-04:00

What an awesome night. The Phillies came back (in spectacular fashion) to beat the Rockies, exorcise some demons from last season, and go above .500 for the first time this season. (Woo hoo!) And the Flyers - the Flyers! - won a game 7! In overtime! On the road! The Flyers SO don't do that!

So yeah, Lupul put a rebound in about 5 minutes into the first overtime, and the Flyers will be heading off to face the Canadiens, a team about which I know nothing. So that's cool. They had an opportunity for a heartbreaking defeat after squandering a 3 games to 1 lead in the series, but somehow, they won. I guess it's progress.

And then there's the Phillies. Oh, the Phillies. Mr. Wonderful himself staked them to a 2-0 lead early in the game, but the teams kept trading leads, with the Rockies going up 6-4 in the 7th. The Phillies got one back in the 8th, and then, in the 9th inning, total awesomeness occurred. Taguchi led off the inning with a hit. Werth made an out. Then Mr. W hit a single, and ended up on second after the throw to 3rd to try to get Taguchi was too high for the cutoff man. So, we have runners on 2nd and 3rd for Ryan Howard, hitting a robust .190. Still, he was intentionally walked to set up a double play for Burrell. Thing is, Burrell didn't hear the word "play" and crused a double into left center, scoring all three runners.

But, it looked like Taveras would have a chance at it, so Utley had to hold up. When Taveras dove and missed, Taguchi walked home, and then Utley and Howard came barreling around 3rd, with Howard about 4 steps behind Utley. Ultey slid home ahead of the throw, (making it 7-6 Phillies), and about 1.5 seconds later, Ryan Howard slid in head first and just beat the tag. It was like that moment from Major League, except both guys were safe this time. It was totally awesome.

In fact, from a Philly fan's perspective, the night really couldn't have been better.

Man, never thought I'd type that.

Chase Utley Es Muy Sexy

2008-04-21T23:54:00.004-04:00

Muy, muy sexy. Just look at him. That is one sexy hunk of man right there, and no, I'm not afraid to admit it. The Phillies won 9-5 to pull even at .500. AGAIN. And this time the offense actually looked, well, good. The Phillies were down 3-0 early, but Pat the Bat hit a 2 run homer to bring them within 1. Down 3 again with the score 5-2, Jason Werth crushed a ball into center. Taveras couldn't get to it, it bounced off a concrete border at the bottom of the fence, and Werth ended up racing all the way home to make it 5-3. At this point the score on the top of the screen said 5-4, and a graphic read "Home run, Utley". I said to my dad, "Man, that guy really IS hot."

Then Utley, who was up next, belted a homer over the right field wall. Unbelievable. It was his 5th straight game with a homer, and his league leading 9th overall. The Phils added two more in the 7th to take the lead, and 3 more in the 9th to seal the deal. Howard had a couple of hits, which is nice. They need him to heat up, and soon. Victorino should be back soon too, which will help.

The Phils also committed 3 errors, which, well, I just don't fucking understand. It needs to stop though. Anyway, Phils showed some grit by coming back to win this one, which hopefully will carry over into the rest of the season.

Oh, and the Flyers lost. They aren't winning game 7. They never win game 7s. That's why they're dead to me. Prove me wrong fellas. Go ahead. I won't mind.

Sixers Reach Into Own Asses, Pull Out Victory

2008-04-20T21:07:00.003-04:00

Despite trailing by 13 at halftime, and 15 midway through the 3rd quarter, the Philadelphia 76ers beat a more talented and more experienced Detroit Pistons team in Detroit Sunday night. Coming back from a lead that large is something the Sixers have done a few times this season, though not against a team like Detroit that prides itself on its defense.

The Sixers got excellent performances from Andre Miller and Reggie Evans, as well as strong contributions from Lou Williams and Thaddeus Young. Andre Iguodala finished with 16 points, 9 rebounds and 8 assists, but he didn't shoot well (4-16 from the field) and he had 4 turnovers. Willie Green also played quite well, chipping in 17 points on 7-11 shooting. For the complete box score, click here.

It's only one game, but the Sixers couldn't have asked for a better result. When playing a team as good as Detroit, there aren't going to be any freebies, especially when you consider that the Pistons are no doubt pissed off that this game got away. Still, Pistons coach Flip Saunders gave the Sixers their proper due, saying "We didn't lose this game, they beat us." Very true. Three more to go fellas. Keep up the good work.

What A Beautiful Day For A Ballgame

2008-04-18T13:57:00.002-04:00

Oh MAN, it is nice out. I couldn't think of a better way to spend my Friday evening than watching Cole Hamels square off against Johan Santana on a gorgeous Spring night in even more gorgeous South Philly. The Phillies are looking to get over the .500 hump for the first time this season, and who better to get them there than Cole Hamels? No one, that's who. Should be a hell of a game. If you're lucky enough to have tickets, I'll see you there.

Mmmm, baseball.

WOO! WHAT A FUCKING GAME!!!!!

2008-04-15T21:56:00.004-04:00

JENKINS WAS TOTALLY OUT! BUT I DON'T CARE! FOUR RUNS IN THE BOTTOM OF THE NINTH! WOO HOO!

Baseball. Fuck Yeah.

Oh, and the Flyers won 6-3. Which is cool, I guess.

And both of these happened within like 4 minutes of each other. Definitely the most impressive 4 minutes since Fat Tony flooded Springfield with alcohol after prohibition ended. I couldn't have asked for a better end to my sports evening. Thanks Jebus.

What The Hell Is Going On?

2008-04-14T16:32:00.002-04:00

Can someone explain what's going on in Major League Baseball to me? I'm confused. The Tigers are 2-10? The Marlins are 7-5? The ROYALS are 7-5? Oh come on. That can't be right. And yet, it is. Here are your division leaders, as of April 14th, 2008:

NL East: Florida
NL Central: St. Louis.
NL West: Arizona

AL East: Baltimore
AL Central: Chicago
AL West: Oakland

Only one of these makes sense (Arizona). The AL Central in particular looks like someone flipped it completely upside down. (From first to last, Chicago, Kansas City, Minnesota, Cleveland and Detroit.) Now I know it's early. The Tigers aren't going to lose 130 games. The Orioles aren't going to win 75. (Sorry O's fans. Enjoy it now.) And the Marlins won't win the division. (If they do, I'm quitting baseball.) But still. This is ridiculous.

But hey, the Phillies are doing way better than last year, so I guess it's all good. Would be nice if they would actually go over .500 instead of matching it every other game. All it takes is two in a row fellas. With Jimmy back Tuesday night, they should be able to do do that.

(Vigorously knocks on wood.)

Ah baseball. Gotta love that crazy fucking game.

Cole Hamels Is Very Sexy

2008-04-12T22:02:00.003-04:00

22 innings pitched and two earned runs eh? That pretty good. He's 2-1 with a 0.82 era, which is, um, good. He's pitching like an ace, which the Phillies need him to do. Let's hope that Myers uses yesterday (8 inning, 3 earned runs) as a platform for better things. The Phillies need him - and all of their pitchers, really - to pitch quite well if they are going to return to the playoffs. Hamels is certainly doing his part.

The Phils are back to .500 - again - and while it's better than they've started in quite a while, it would be nice for them to clear that hurdle and stay above it for good early on. No one in the division is playing well (with the exception of the Marlins) and the Phillies need to take advantage of that. The Mets and Braves wont suck all year.

And, while I'm here, I might as well commend the Flyers for maintaining the status quo and crapping away a muilti-goal, third period lead Friday night. Well done fellas. Never a doubt.

I blame Bobby Clarke.

Jose Reyes Was Totally Out

2008-04-11T12:54:00.003-04:00

I call shenanigans. Coste blocked the plate. He was out. Oh well. It's not like they're supposed to win when Adam Eaton pitches. They still won one, and Jimmy didn't play the last two. They'd have to lose 5 more in a row to have an April as crappy as last year. (This is, unfortunately, not impossible.)

Video of the play at home here.

Phillies, Mets Continue Beating Mets

2008-04-08T17:13:00.001-04:00

The Phillies beat the Mets today during the last home opener at Shea Staduim, the first time the Phillies have ever beaten the Mets to open a season at Shea. (The Phils are 1-7 in Shea openers.) The ageless Jamie Moyer pitched six solid/semi-shaky innings, allowing 2 runs. I don't know how that old bastard does it. Carlos Delgado, who hit a towering home run off Moyer in the 2nd, also committed a key throwing error in the 7th which allowed the tying run to score, and kept a rally alive.

Jimmy Rollins apparently sprained his ankle. No word yet on how serious it is. Hopefully it isn't serious at all. If it is, well, let's hope Eric Bruntlett doesn't suck. Fingers crossed. Jimmy hasn't missed a game in over a season, and I'm sure the last thing he wants to do is miss one now.

Utley was also hit by a pitch 3 times, tying a major league record. That guy is a baseball magnet. Hopefully he wont break another hand this year. You go to hell John Lannan.

With the win the Phils move within 1/2 a game of first place, behind the, um, Florida Marlins, a team with a payroll lower than A-Rod's. Ah baseball. Gotta love it.

Goodbye Cheap Seats, Forever

2008-04-08T09:17:00.005-04:00

As I make my way to Shea Stadium for the last opening day in the history of the venerable ~~dump~~ stadium, I am reminded that there will be one thing at the park today that pre-dates the facility's 1964 structure:

Jamie Moyer, DOB 11/18/62

Playoffs?

2008-04-05T17:40:00.003-04:00

Apparently. The Sixers clinched a playoff birth for the first time since I was a wee lad of 20 years. Which is cool, I guess. I mean, it isn't not cool. Thaddeus Young was 6 for 7 from the field and shut down Josh Smith, which isn't easy. He might be a beast sooner rather than later. The Phillies had to go ruin the vibe by losing today, but whatever. If you had told me that the only Philly team to begin it's season in 2007 and not make the playoffs would be the Eagles, I would have looked at you like you were crazy. And you would have been. My world is upside-down right now. But that's cool. I guess. Playoffs. Woo.

Now THAT'S What I Call Poetic Justice

2008-04-03T16:58:00.002-04:00

Walk Howard and Utley to load the bases twice will you? Well fuuucccckkk you, Washington Nationals. The Phillies didn't deserve to win this game, but you deserved to win it even less. Jason Werth, who had been inserted as a defensive replacement for Burrell (I'm going to rant about this later, as I have never liked it) looked at four pitches out of the zone with the bases loaded in the bottom of the 10th, as the Phils rallied from a 5-0 deficit early to win 8-7, despite committing 4 errors and pitching like, well, the Phillies.

Oh baseball. You're going to be the death of me.

"Not only do they stink, they're unlucky!"

2008-04-02T21:43:00.003-04:00

That's what I yelled when Jimmy Rollins smoked a ball down the first base line to start the ninth inning, only to have Nick Johnson, who was guarding the line, rob him of what would have been at least two bases. Two batters later the Phillies had lost 1-0, shut out by Tim Redding, Luis Ayala and John Rauch. Read that sentence again and try to prevent your head from exploding.

I know it's cold. I know it's early. I know there are still 160 games left to play. And yes, at least Hamels pitched well. But this is the Nationals, for fucks sake. The fucking Nationals. Brett Myers and Cole Hamels lost back to back games to Matt Chico and Tim Redding. The Phillies are once again in an early hole, and find themselves once again in last place in the division in April. I... I can't take much more of this. And yes, this IS Manuel's fault. I have said ever since he got here that he is too laid back. Teams need to be fired up to start a season. I'm not saying he's a bad manager - though I've never thought he was a very good one - but Jesus Charlie, yell at this team! They deserve it.

This team crapped it's way through spring training, only to say on a daily basis that they would be ready when the season started. Well, the season has started, and the Phillies are 0-2. The season isn't over, but it is underway. Last year the Phils laid a giant fucking egg in April and lucked (and, to be fair, played) their way into the playoffs. They wont be so fortunate again.

Get you asses in gear, fellas. For my sake, and your own.

BASEBALLLLLLLLLLL

2008-03-30T22:19:00.003-04:00

BASEBALL IS HERE!!!!!!! Thank. Fucking. God. If I had to sit through one more hockey game, I was going to go insane. Nothing against hockey, but I really don't care which team the Flyers will end up losing to in the first round. Ditto for the Sixers. It's baseball season baby. The Nationals just beat the Braves on a Ryan Zimmerman walk off home run. Suck on that, Braves fans! Oh wait, there's no such thing.

And on that note, it's time for my condensed baseball preview in which I make predictions that will make me look stupid in 6 months. Here we go:

NATIONAL LEAGUE:

NL EAST: As much as it pains me to say it, The Mets.
NL CENTRAL: God this division is terrible. Cubbies take it again.
NL WEST: Fuck the Rockies. Arizona will win the division on the strength of their pitching.
NL WILDCARD: The Phillies. But only if Adam Eaton gets hurt.
NL MVP: Chase Utley, Phillies. It's time for the most talented guy on the team to win.
HOME RUN CHAMP: Ryan Howard, Phillies. It's already a two man race between him and Fielder, and I think Prince takes a small step backward this year. Besides, Howard has been killing the ball all spring and he's in great shape. No reason he can't chase 60 again.
BATTING TITLE: Utley. I'm telling you, he's good.
CY YOUNG: You ready for this? I'm going to be bold: Johan Santana, Mets. I know, I know, picking the best pitcher in baseball to win the Cy Young is crazy. But just watch. He's going to do well. And yes, I really, really hope I'm wrong.
ROOKIE OF THE YEAR: How the fuck should I know?

NLCS: Phillies over Mets in 6.

AMERICAN LEAGUE:

AL EAST: Boston. Yeah, they're still pretty good.
AL CENTRAL: Detroit. But Cleveland will make it closer than some people think. This one is coming down to the wire.
AL WEST: Another terrible division, save for The Angels, who will win it easily.
AL WILDCARD: The Yankees. Sorry Cleveland, but come on, they're the fucking Yankees.
Al MVP: The trendy pick is Miguel Cabrera (Tigers), and I do think he wins one some day. But the smart money is on A-Rod (Yankees), who will probably repeat.
HOME RUN CHAMP: Richie Sexson, Mariners. Haha. Just kidding. I'm gonna be bold again and say A-Rod.
BATTING TITLE: Ichiro, Mariners. Not kidding this time. He's really good.
CY YOUNG: Justin Verlander, Tigers. He's gotten exponentially better in first two seasons, and that trend won't stop. And with that offense, he could easily win 20 if he stays healthy and sane.
ROOKIE OF THE YEAR: Seriously, no one can really predict these things.

ALCS: Tigers over Red Sox in 7.

WORLD SERIES: Same as I predicted last year, Tigers over Phillies, in 6. And yes, I still hope I'm wrong, but only by a little.

Mmmm, baseball. It's here. Thank you Jebus.

Playin' Darts With The Bat

2008-03-29T20:57:00.005-04:00

The scene opens like this: it's Friday night, around 3AM, in a relatively crowded after hours bar in downtown Philadelphia. The room is smoke-filled and poorly lit, the kind of place only certain types of individuals inhabit. It's a place for restaurant workers to get a drink (or six) after they get done, though the guy at the door isn't particularly strict when it comes to letting you in. I do happen to work in a bar, but if I quit tomorrow, I could show up 10 years from now and they'd probably still let me in.

There are no windows. There's just a bar, some tables, a juke box, and a crock pot full of hotdogs that you don't go near unless you've had 11 too many. A friend of mine once described it as "Hell's waiting room", and that sounds about right. It's not a place I find myself in often, but sometimes, sometimes last call just isn't late enough. It isn't my fault bars here close at 2.

Anyway, my buddy and I are hanging out in the back, shooting darts at the electric board there that still only costs a quarter to play. My buddy - lets just call him L. Simpson... no that's too obvious, let's call him Lisa S. - is considerably drunker than I am because he'd been drinking all night whereas I had been working. I'm beating him pretty badly, when this man approaches us:

He looks at the score and says, "This is a slaughter!", and his face lets me know that he wants the game to end so he can play. I stop to look at him, and sure enough, he looks pretty damn familiar. His identity comes to me pretty quickly and I say, "You're Pat Burrell." He says yeah, and shakes my hand as I introduce myself. He then turns to the three girls he is with and says, "These are my girlfriends." It took a lot of restraint not to utter, "Oh? Do they know you're wife?", but he's a pretty big guy and has been know to have a few anger management issues. Besides, it's ultimately none of my business.

Anyway, these "girlfriends" were all very nice, very attractive, and all quite overdressed. It was pretty clear that Pat had met them earlier at a much nicer bar and convinced them to come to an after hours place he knew about. It was also clear that Pat neglected to mention the fact that the aforementioned bar was full of chain-smoking, tattoo-covered degenerates who only get dressed up when some dies or gets married, because the girls left within 10 minutes of arriving.

As the girls are leaving and Burrell is making one last attempt to convince them to stay, I set up the next game of darts and Pat's friend, a guy named Brian, introduces himself. I have no idea who this guy was, but he sure wasn't a ball player. As the game starts, I ask Burrell - who was drinking Miller Lite, for those who may be interested - "How was spring training?". He replies "I don't remember", and shoots his darts. (NOT a good sign.) After about two rounds, Burrell and Brian arrive at the conclusion that shooting darts at 3 AM with a couple of random guys - one of whom thinks Burrell is Matt Williams; more on this in a minute - is not the best way to further their evening. Burrell says to me, "Alright, we're gettin' out of here." I shake his hand again and tell him to have a good season. He thanks me, as though I was saying that because I care about him. He shakes a few more hands on his way out and disappears into the Philly night, his destination a mystery, though I'd be willing to bet he wasn't heading home yet.

And as he left, I couldn't help but laugh. After all, I had heard the stories, but I had yet to see him in action for myself. Now I have. And while he was pretty well behaved in the bar, the fact that he was even there lets me know that his inner party animal isn't dead yet. I don't know if that's a good thing.

Before I go, allow me to explain why my buddy, who is from the Bay Area in Cali and hasn't paid much attention to sports over the past few years, thought Burrell was indeed some other ball player. After Burrell left, my buddy, who was several sheets to the wind, turns to me and this exchange followed:

My Friend: That guy plays 3rd, right?
Me: He did in the minors. He plays left field now.
My Friend: No, but didn't he play third for the Diamondbacks?
Me: Um, no man. The Phillies drafted him.
My Friend: Then who am I thinking of?
Me: (racking my brain for Phillies that played for the Diamondbacks and could be mistaken for Pat Burrell, or vice versa) Um, Travis Lee?
My Friend: No...
Me: (racking my brain for Diamondback third baseman, and taking into account the fact that my buddy is a Giants fan) Are you thinking of Matt Williams?
My Friend: Yes!
Me: You're an idiot.

And that was that. The Bat was gone as quickly as he had arrived, destined to have no real recollection of me or my drunk friend. But that's okay. I'll remember him. I just hope his wife isn't reading this.

Chase's Turn?

2008-03-28T14:33:00.001-04:00

I say yes. He is, after all, the most talented Phillie. This video is from ESPN. There's some interesting insight from Chase, Jimmy and Shane.

How 'Bout Them Wildcats?

2008-03-23T15:33:00.004-04:00

Raise your hand if you thought Villanova was going to make the NCAA tournament 8 days ago. (A few hands go up.) Okay, now raise your hand if you thought they would be in the Sweet 16 after the first weekend. (All hands go down.) Yeah, that's what I thought. But, sure enough, after routing Siena in the second round (take that Albany!), 'Nova has advanced to play Kansas next week, confirming what most people thought before the season started - that Villanova was the best college team in Philly.

When 'Nova is on, they can beat anyone in the country. And they are really going to have to be on to beat the Jayhawks. Either way, it's been a pretty sweet ride thus far. Go Cats. And go Butler, who is currently down by four to Tennessee at halftime.

UPDATE: Butler has bowed out in overtime against Tennessee, the final score being 76-71. Mike Green had 15 points, 5 assists and 7 rebounds, but was a not-so-great 4-17 from the field, and 6-10 from the line. Still, a valiant effort all around, and hopefully Mike will find himself on an NBA roster come October.

March Madness. Gotta love it.

The Official Allen Iverson Post

2008-03-19T23:51:00.003-04:00

I love Allen Iverson.

And I'm not ashamed to admit it. No, he isn't perfect, but loving a perfect person is easy. It's finding a way to love the flaws that's the hard part. And oh, he is flawed. There is no doubt about that. But he deserved the standing ovation he got when his name was announced, and anyone who really thought the Philadelphia fans for whom he played his heart out every night for 11 years would boo him obviously knows nothing about Philly sports fans.

Are we loud? Yes. Obnoxious? Quite. Hard to please? Sure. But do we appreciate effort? Oh yes. If you play your heart out, we will love you, even if you aren't that good. (Although it really helps if you're good.) And Allen Iverson was good. (He still is, to be fair.) He was, with apologies to Donovan McNabb, Jimmy Rollins, Chase Utley and Ryan Howard, the best Philadelphia athlete of my lifetime. And unless one of those guys wins a championship, that probably isn't going to change.

And yes, I'm fully aware Iverson did not win a championship here, but he put up better numbers than all of those guys. Even Utley. He's a first ballot hall of famer who played his heart out every minute of every game. (He is 4th all time in minutes per game average, at just over 40 per.) He is undersized, making him a natural underdog in a sport dominated by the freakishly tall. While he was by no means perfect, he was the perfect type of athlete for Philly: gritty, stubborn, hard working, and yes, occasionally gun toting.

When he was traded, we mourned as a city. Even those who did not like him here (and his detractors certainly exist) could not ignore what he meant to this city. He was Philadelphia, for better, and indeed for worse. And now he's gone. But Wednesday night we had him one more time, even if his uniform looked a little different. And even if he was playing for a different team, it just felt... right. He led all scorers, something he has done a few times before in that building. And even though the Sixers won, that was hardly in the forefront of anyone's mind.

One could argue that the Sixers (34-34) are a better team without Iverson, and one would probably be right, but they aren't better because he is gone. They would not be worse if you added him to their current roster. They may play more like a team now than they did when he was here, but that is because Andre Miller is one of the best point guards in the NBA, not because Iverson is a bad teammate or a selfish player. The best point guard Iverson ever played with was Eric Snow. Ask LeBron James how much he like playing with Eric.

The thing is, Iverson IS a team player. He has averaged close to 7 assists a game for his entire career. And that number would be higher if he ever played with guys who could shoot. You had to watch a lot of Sixers games to truly appreciate just how bad Iverson's supporting cast was for the majority of his tenure in Philly. He shot 30 times a game because that was the only way the Sixers were going to win. If you want proof that Iverson is capable of excelling when his teammates are talented, one needs to look no further than any of his all star game appearances. (Or, you could just look at the Nuggets.) He doesn't want to take every shot. He just wants to win.

And thats why I, and the majority f Philadephians, love Allen Iverson.

And we always will.

168 Is A Big Number

2008-03-17T01:28:00.002-04:00

The Nuggets dropped 168 points on the Sonics Sunday night. In regulation. That is not a misprint. One hundred and sixty eight. As Kang (or maybe it was Kodos) would say, Holy Fluerking Schnit. The Nuggets shot 60% from the field (61-101), including 51% (16-31) from beyond the arc.

Marcus Camby had a triple double, notching 13 points, 15 rebounds and 10 assists. He also chipped in 4 blocks for good measure. You know you aren't having a good night when Marcus Camby drops 10 dimes on you. The 168 points were the third highest regulation output of all time. Video highlights and recap can be found here.

Looks Like There Will Be A Philly Team At The Big Dance After All

2008-03-15T14:02:00.003-04:00

Ah, college basketball. I'm essentially indifferent towards you - until March. Then I care quite a bit. This of course does not make me different than quite a few Americans, especially those from Philadelphia. The great thing about growing up here is that you can root for any one of six different teams (LaSalle, Temple, St. Joes, Villanova, Drexel and Penn) come tourney time, provided none of them are your alma mater. And even then, you can root for another one of them to succeed. (The downside of having these six teams is that they all fight for local talent and therefore, with a few rare exceptions, none of them are ever that good.)

At least one of them, however, is always pretty good. There hadn't been a year in my lifetime where one Philly team didn't make it to the NCAAs. This year, however, was shaping up to be that year. (The last time it happened was 30 years ago.) Nova is too young. Ditto for LaSalle. Penn somehow didn't win the Ivy League. Drexel was Drexel. And St. Joes and Temple were both decent teams peaking at the right time, but it seemed like too little too late. Until last night.

St. Joes(#5 seed) upset Xavier(#1) for the second time in two weeks in one A10 conference semi final, and Temple (#2) cruised past Charlotte(#6) in the other. Considering the one of these teams has to win the A10, and therefore will secure an automatic bid in the tourney, the streak of Philly appearances will live on. (It's also possible at this point that both of these teams will make it, with the loser gaining an at large bid.)

So there you go. The game is tonight, and I couldn't care less who wins. (Temple probably will.) Now I've got a rooting interest in the tournament, even if it will almost definitely be over by the end of the first round. After that, at least I"ll still (hopefully) have Butler.

Adam Eaton, Sixers, Still Not That Good

2008-03-11T16:05:00.005-04:00

Not that either of those statements should come as a surprise. The Sixers don't have a winning record despite their recent string of success, and Eaton doesn't have any talent, despite his large contract.

The Sixers got pounded by a much better team last night (the Celtics), allowing Boston to score the first 15 points of the game. (NOT a good way to begin.) And Eaton, who had his back injury, the one that had supposedly been lingering since last season, checked out, only to have it revealed that the injury was minor and did not require treatment, has been terrible all spring.

The fact that his injury requires no real treatment, of course, makes me wonder why the fuck he has been so terrible. Is he just of of shape? (Probably.) Is he just untalented? (Yeah.) Is he a monumental shithead who should donate 95% of his salary to Hamels? (Mmhmm.) So why the fuck was he ever signed? (Phillies management is, for the most part, incompetent.) Ugh. March Madness needs to hurry up and get here so I don't have to worry about baseball until April.

Who am I kidding? I'm not gonna stop thinking about baseball. It's only 20 days away.

Ronaldinho Is Good At Soccer

2008-03-06T16:35:00.002-05:00

Really, really fucking good. It's like he's not even trying. Bicycle kick? Don't mind if I do! I don't care if you don't like soccer. If you can't appreciate this, you're worthless as a sports fan.

Jose Canseco Is At It Again.

2008-03-03T01:10:00.002-05:00

Oh man, this is funny. Good ol' Jose. He really knows how to entertain.

The Eagles Signed Asante Samuel?

2008-03-01T15:00:00.003-05:00

Really? Hmm. I guess that means Lito Sheppard is on his way out. That, or the Eagles are planning on having the best nickelback in the league. If they trade Lito, here's hoping it's for a top of the line receiver. No offense, Mr. Curtis.

Just like the Eagles to try and steal some of the Phillies' thunder. While I'm pleased with the signing, it can't change the fact that baseball is coming.

Only 30 days till Opening Day.

Goosebumps? Yeah, That Sounds About Right

2008-02-27T03:32:00.003-05:00

This is a clip summing up the last week of the 2007 Phillies season, narrated by the MVP himself, Jimmy Rollins. While the season came to an abrupt end at the hands of the Colorado Rockies, it was a hell of a run getting to the postseason.

Video courtesy of The 700 Level.

Fuck-ing Wonderful

2008-02-24T15:01:00.002-05:00

I don't need this. Really. I don't. I had hoped my days of watching Tom Goirdon close games for the Phillies were over, but alas, they are not. Hopefully this isn't too serious and Lidge will be back by mid April as expected. Still, I'm not holding my breath.

God Dammit.

Only 35 days till Opening Day.

Big Boy Got Paid

2008-02-21T16:12:00.004-05:00

Ryan Howard became the first Phillie ever to win an arbitration hearing, winning the rights to a $10 million salary for 2008. Good. He deserved it. It was the most ever awarded to a player who won his arbitration hearing, and he tied Alfonso Soriano for the most ever awarded to anyone, though Soriano lost in 2006. (He was seeking $12.5 million.) I'm just glad this is over with. There are more important things at hand, like baseball actually being played.

Only 39 days till Opening Day.

NBA Thoughts And Predictions

2008-02-20T15:50:00.006-05:00

With the Jason Kidd trade now final, it officially raises the age old question, "Who the fuck is going to win the Western Conference?" The East is easy. Only 5 teams even have winning records, (Boaston, Detroit, Cleveland, Orlando and Toronto) and only the first 3 mentioned have a legitimate chance of winning the conference.

The West though? The West has 10 teams with winning records, and while only 8 of them will make the playoffs, conceivably any of those 8 could end up winning it all. There are, however, as far as I'm concerned, 6 teams with a real chance to come out of the West and win it all, provided they don't get too worn out in the Conference championship and shit the bed against Detroit, Cleveland or Boston. The teams with the best chance to win the West are, in reverse order, as follows:

New Orleans: Chris Paul is a beast. Tyson Chandler is a beast. David West is a beast. I love all of them as basketball players and would be surprised if someday Paul doesn't have at least one ring. But Peja Stojakovic is about as clutch as your granddaddy's Cadillac, and if he's your best outside shooter, you aren't winning a championship. It's one thing to miss a clinching 3 pointer. It's another thing entirely to airball one.

Utah: That Kyle Korver trade was huge. The needed someone to stretch defenses and they got him. Boozer and Williams are great players and this team could absolutely win a championship. They would easily be the best team in the East. But they don't play in the East, and I don't see them geting past any of the next four teams in a 7 game series.

L.A. Lakers: Gasol for Kwame Brown and a couple of picks? Um, YES. You now have a rejuvenated Kobe playing with a talented big man and a good cast of supporting players. Sound familiar? I thought so. Unfortunately, Gasol is no 2000-2002 Shaq, and this team has a very shallow bench. Still, never underestimate Kobe.

San Antonio: The reigning champs stood pat amidst all the trades and I can't say I blame them. They're a great team with a great nucleus and a great coach. Unfortunately for them, repeating is really, really hard and other teams improved drastically. Would I be shocked if the Spurs repeated? Certainly not. But I don't think it's going to happen.

Dallas: Love the Jason Kidd trade, although they're really going to miss Keith Van Horn. Devin Harris is a very good, young point guard, but he isn't Jason Kidd. I think Kidd will do a lot for Josh Howard and Dirk, but I'm still not sure this team can really bang down low with the big boys in the conference, which is why I have to give the nod to...

Damn it, that isn't the right one. I have no idea how that even got on here. The Clippers are fucking terrible. Hold on one second. Ok, here we go.

THIS team is going to win it all:
Thats right, Phoenix: I LOVE the Shaq trade, and not because I believe that, in this stage of his career, he is a better basketball player than Shawn Marion. But as far as this team is concerned, he IS more valuable. This exact group of players had their chance of winning a championship. they didn't. And they didn't because they didn't have a big man in the post that could handle the other big men in the conference, especially Duncan. Also, a happy, motivated Shaq is a wonderful thing. I don't care how old he is, he can still play. Phoenix can now run or grind it out, and they can do it well. That's why I think they'll finally be able to hold whatever the hell the NBA championship trophy is called over their heads come June. And I'll be rooting for them, not just because it will make me look smart. You gotta love Steve Nash. Us white basketball players (current and former) gotta stick together.

Phils Trade Kendrick For Hot Dog Champion

2008-02-17T19:12:00.002-05:00

Or so he was made to believe. Apparently Brett Myers was a behind the prank, and Uncle Cholly and even Ruben Amaro Jr. got in on the act. Amaro printed up documents that Kendrick had to sign in triplicate and they even got some reporters to ask him about the trade. There's video of it here.

Oh baseball. Do hurry up and get here.

Pitchers And Catchers!

2008-02-14T15:46:00.002-05:00

The Phillies officially begin spring training today as the pitchers and catchers - as well as some of the other players - report to camp in Florida. And on Valentine's Day no less. The Phillies really know the way to a man's heart. Usually they get there and then proceed to cause immeasurable pain, but today it's different. It's a fresh start. A new season. Spring is here, even if it is 35 degrees here in Philly. I think I'm gonna wear shorts today.

It's Time To Move On

2008-02-11T17:26:00.000-05:00

Yes, the NFL season is officially over. True, it was really over last weekend, but the Pro Bowl did manage to give the illusion of football despite the lack of defense and touches for Brian Westbrook. (3 touches? Come the fuck on.) And yet, there is promise for what many consider to be the bleakest annual period of time for pro sports.

The Lakers traded for Pau Gasol without losing any important pieces. The Suns traded Shawn Marion to the Heat for Shaquille O'Neal. And Baseball, sweet, sweet baseball, is less than two months away. So fear not sports fan, we have plenty to look forward to. Hell, there's even some hockey worth watching.

Note: I don't think this is worth watching because the linesman got hurt. (He suffered a broken jaw and needed 60 stitches, but should be ok.) I just love how the players took it as an opportunity to incite a brawl.

Sports!

2008-02-06T23:31:00.000-05:00

Holy SHIT, a lot happened while I was gone. The Gasol trade. The Shaq trade. The fucking Super Bowl. I have thoughts on all of them. I also just got back from Mardi Gras and am fucking exhausted, so I'm going to make it quick.

Gasol: the Lakers stole him, but I can see why Memphis felt the need to move him. They have a lot of young talent, and Kwame's expiring contract will give them more room to make moves. Still, I think they could have gotten more for him, and when Bynum comes back the Lakers are going to be good.

Shaq: great trade for both teams IF Shaq can stay healthy for the playoffs. I think Marion and Wade will mesh well in Miami, and Shaq is the inside presence the Suns have sorely lacked all this time. Sure, Amare is a beast on offense, but Tim Duncan (among others) continually treats him as though Amare just dropped the soap. Also, Shaq has never played with guys like Nash or Amare, and while he isn't SHAQ anymore, he's still, you know, Shaq. NBA, I'm officially interested in the season. Well played.

The Super Bowl: I'm as shocked as you are. Kudos to the Giants. I look forward to the Eagles beating the super Bowl Champs twice next season. As far as the game goes, it was boring until the last quarter, but hey, what a quarter.

Those are my condensed thoughts on the week that was. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to sleep for 15 hours.

Johan!

2008-02-02T10:50:00.000-05:00

I had no intention of commenting on the Johan Santana trade until the World’s Greatest Pitcher put pen to paper and officially signed with the Mets. I'll believe it when I see it, I thought. This is the Mets fan’s mentality: Nothing is certain. It’s all just a house of cards waiting to collapse. Don’t jinx it.

It’s often hard for outsiders to see, but this is the true face of the New York sports fan. Behind all the bluster and alleged pomposity, the NY sports fan is full of fear and longing. He is truly devoted and committed to his team but he always sees the cloud that comes with the silver lining. Success is craved; failure is expected. Yankees fans obscure the true face of the New York sports fan, who is typically thought of as a cocksure blowhard who believes that winning is his divine birth right. While that may be an accurate description of some Yankee fans, it is certainly not true of the rest of us.

The most compelling proof of this was evident two weeks ago during the NFC Championship Game. As regulation time expired, the Giants’ Lawrence Tynes attempted a gimme field goal to send the club into the Super Bowl. The oft-maligned Tynes had spent the season disappointing the franchise with inaccurate field goal attempts and short kickoffs, so much so that retreads like Josh Huston and Billy Cundiff found themselves with mid-season tryouts for Tynes’ job. Few fans had confidence in Tynes as he lined up for the potential game-winner and he did not fail to disappoint.

When Corey Webster made the play of his career to give the Giants the ball deep in Packers’ territory a few minutes later, I dreaded the possibility of another field goal attempt. On fourth-and-five, I was despondent to see Larry trot back onto the field so with my head in my hands I watched him redeem himself with a 47-yard winner. My immediate reaction was not joy or elation or even relief – it was shock. For a full five seconds, I sat with my mouth agape in a room full of silent observers. Did that just happen? Did we really win? We did! We won! We fucking won!!! We’re going to the Super Bowl!!! With that realization, I began to jump up and down with my fists raised to the sky like that Hampton coach after they beat Iowa State in the 2001 NCAA Tournament. But shock was still the overwhelming emotion I felt. Every conversation I had with friends for the next several hours revolved around the same general premise: “I can’t believe we're going to the Super Bowl!”

Other examples are evident in nearly all New York franchises. Giants, Jets, Mets, Knicks, Rangers - it’s the same story across the board. Two on-again, off-again football teams with bouts of winning peppered amongst long periods of ineptitude. A baseball team notable for trading away Hall of Fame pitchers and fiscal strategies that would make George Bush stand up and cheer. A cornerstone of the NBA that is wrapping up its fourth decade without a title by setting records for wastefulness, not to mention executive misconduct. A proud “Original Six” franchise that didn’t win a Stanley Cup for 54 years and followed that by not making the playoffs for another ten. Even the Yankees have begun to join the pack over the last seven years by channeling the Mets (reckless spending), Knicks (ownership/management circus) and Rangers (annual late- and post-season collapses). Behind every club is a fan base praying for a championship … but dreading something far worse.

Which brings us back to the Mets. No New York franchise has done more to earn constant skepticism quite like the Mets. The Mets have lofty expectations seemingly every season and almost always disappoint. Every March, after an off-season consisting of a series of high-profile acquisitions, Mets fans are told, “This is the year!” Expectations grow, leaving the fan base especially irritated when the team is out of contention by June.

This team is far better than that and anything less than a division title and a deep post-season run will be a disappointment in 2008, just as it was in 2007. Yes, Johan Santana gives the Mets a potentially-devastating rotation to go with a solid bullpen and three of the league’s best position players. But he does nothing to change the fact that scrubs named Brian Schneider, Luis Castillo and Ryan Church are all important pieces of our lineup on a daily basis. Carlos Delgado and Moises Alou remain old. When – not if – any of these players are injured, the bench provides little reassurance, unless you are turned on by defensive replacement outfielders, of which we now have two – Endy Chavez AND Angel Pagan. And god forbid Beltran, Reyes or Wright misses significant time. Perish the thought.

In short, color me skeptical. I’ve heard this story before. I’ll believe it when I see it.

Final Super Bowl Thoughts

2008-01-30T22:29:00.000-05:00

Prediction: Patriots 31, Giants 24, Total number of shits given by me, 0.

This is the last you'll hear from me about the Super Bowl because I'm off to Houston tomorrow, and then to New Orleans for the game and for Mardi Gras, so I won't have time to update this. Zwill might make an appearance, but I promise nothing.

Considering it is indeed the Super Bowl, and I am indeed a sports fan, I feel as though I need to root for someone. At the very least, I need to bet on someone. Last year I bet on the Bears to cover, and that went to shit thanks to the incredible performance of Rex Grossman. Still, I wasn't upset to see Peyton Manning finally get a ring. I don't particularly like Manning, but I don't hate him either.

Eli though... Eli I don't like. Until today I was quite sure I would be rooting for the Giants. The Patriots are, after all, a detestably smug bunch of cheaters. Harrison took HGH. Belichick films things illegally. And Brady? Well, call me a hater if you must, but his life is just too fucking perfect. It really isn't personal - if he were an Eagle, I'd love him, and I am certainly willing to grant him his place in history as an all time great, but he's still a shithead. He just is. To be fair, I do like Randy Moss. But the rest of those fucks? And those fans? Guuuhhhhhhhh. Wonderful. I see your Welker jersey. Now please, fuck off.

How could I possibly root for a team like that to go undefeated? The fans would be even more insufferable than they already are. And then, it hit me: can you imagine Giants fans after a Super Bowl victory in which they knocked off an 18-0 team? Sweet merciful Jesus, they would be awful. Remember, they're (in theory) New Yorkers. They already have the built in sense of entitlement. Say what you will about New York, it is one of the most amazing cities in the world. It is - gasp! - cooler than Philly. Boston isn't. When a Boston fan is acting obnoxious, just ask them which suburb they're from and it shuts them up, at least momentarily. That doesn't work with New York fans. Even if they're from Long Island or Jersey, they still consider themselves New Yorkers, which makes them that much more insufferable. I have considerably more day to day contact with Giants fans than I do Pats fans, and while the Boston fans certainly don't deserve the undefeated season, at least they can't really get any worse. Giants fans? Oh, they can get worse. And believe me, if they win, they will.

There's also the point about the '72 Dolphins, who are a bunch of crusty old windbag shitfarts, but I don't really care about them. That being said, it would be nice to permanently shut them up. They annoy me. And seeing history made would be at least kind of cool, even if it is by a New England team. Love them or hate them, they are one hell of a football team on one hell of a run, and if they lost Sunday, the season would almost feel incomplete. In fact, if they lost, Boston fans might become even more annoying, what with all the whining and everything. I don't need that. So really, this is a tough call.

Either way I'm not going to lose a lot of sleep over the outcome. It is, I suppose, worth pointing out that one of my good friends made a $500 bet with a mutual acquaintance Pats fan when Eli was drafted that Eli would lead the Giants to a Super Bowl title within 10 years. I don't like that Pats fan, but if my buddy does have to pony up the money, I would get to mock him for it. So that's a plus.

I doubt there's much hope of an earthquake engulfing the stadium right after kickoff, so I guess I'll just be stuck rooting for whatever team I end up betting on. Which will depend on how many points are being given.

Ah, fuck it. I can't believe I'm writing this, but go Pats.

No. No, that doesn't feel right. Go Giants.

No. That's wrong too. Fuck.

Go Phillies. There we go. Only 61 days till Opening Day.

Fuuuuuuccckkkkkkk

2008-01-29T20:17:00.001-05:00

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuuuuuuccckkkkk. FUCK. I didn't need this. Not today. Not ever. Granted, the deal isn't final, but unless he doesn't pass a physical (he will) or they can't agree on a number (they will), it's going to happen.

Fuck.

Phils Sign Pedro Feliz

2008-01-28T17:53:00.000-05:00

By doing so they are looking to fill the gaping hole at third base that Wes Helms' fat ass somehow couldn't. Feliz has hit 20+ home runs in each of the past 4 seasons. The last Phillie 3rd baseman to hit 20 homers in a season? Scott Rolen, back in 2001. Since then the hot corner in Philly has been, well, cold. Feliz is no superstar, but hey, he's gotta be better than Wes Helms, right? Right???

No, seriously, I like this move. It's not like we're asking this guy to hit clean up.

Hooray! It's Super Bowl Sunday!

2008-01-27T14:37:00.001-05:00

Oh wait. No it isn't. Fuuuuuck. You go to hell, NFL.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I still love you. But hurry with the Super Bowl. I can't take much more of this tennis, golf and figure skating.

Is Everyone Else As Excited As I Am For The NHL All Star Game?!?

2008-01-27T03:38:00.000-05:00

God damn this week sucks. Hurry up and get here Super Bowl. Once you're over I can officially start counting the days until baseball season.

The Giants Are Going To The Super Bowl?

2008-01-22T20:55:00.000-05:00

Really? They are? These Giants? The 2007 Giants? The ones that allowed 80 points in their opening two games (both losses)? The Giants that this guy quarterbacks?

Really?

REALLY?

Wow. I was in NYC for the game, and many of my friends who are Giants fans had the same reaction. Sure, they're thrilled, but to say this has exceeded expectations would be like saying Eli is a tad tipsy in the above photo. Zwill (yes, he's still alive) said he thought this was a 6 win team at best. After the first two games this season I was convinced this was a bottom 5 team. Now, 17 games and 10 straight road wins later, this team is playing in the Super Bowl. Man, you gotta love the NFC. I will have more thoughts on the big game later. For now, there's one other thing I need to address.

While I hate to admit it, I agree with Angelo Cataldi. PAY. RYAN. FUCKING. HOWARD. PAY HIM NOW AND DO NOT STOP PAYING HIM UNTIL HE RETIRES. This, oh shortsighted and cheap owners of the Phillies, is NOT negotiable. I understand that he is only a third year player and not eligible for free agency until 2011. You know what? I don't give a fuck. He's 28, not 25. The only reason he doesn't have three more years of big league experience is because you shitfucks failed to realize his talent.

I remember going to a Reading Phillies game during the summer of 2004 and seeing some huge black dude swat two monstrous home runs and a double for a cool 5 RBIs. I turned to one of my buddies and said, "Who the fuck is Ryan Howard?" Now I know. If you continue to lowball this man until 2011, do you really think he's going to forget it? I wouldn't. If he ever plays for another team, it will be devastating to the Phillies for the indefinite future, possibly forever. That new generation of fans - you know, the ones even younger than I am - that the Phillies have established over the last two years, thanks in large part to Ryan Howard hitting over 100 homeruns over that span, would be crushed. It would be like letting Babe Ruth go to the Yankees. Is Howard as good as Babe Ruth? No. He isn't even the best player on his team. But he is, all things considered, the most important. And you don't let guys like that walk away and expect to not suffer the consequences. Pay the man. Pay him a lot. And then let us never speak of this again.

Now This Is Bad Parenting

2008-01-17T14:49:00.000-05:00

While reading the paper today I came across this article about a Wisconsin man and his 7 year old son. Here's an excerpt:

"Upset that his 7-year-old son wouldn't wear a Green Bay Packers Jersey during the team's playoff victory Saturday, a man restrained the boy for an hour with tape and taped the jersey onto him."

The man was charged with disorderly conduct and fined $186. While what he did seems pretty awful - and it was - the bigger question is, "Why would a 7-year-old boy living in Wisconsin refuse to wear a Packers jersey if his dad was such a big fan?" Why on Earth would your own son not want to wear the team's jersey? I got my first Eagles jersey when I was 9 and it felt 8 years too late. I was thrilled to finally get one. And my dad isn't even that huge of an Eagles fan.

It's one thing if you live in another city and your kids want to root for the local teams because all their friends do. It's another thing entirely when you live in Wisconsin and your son refuses to wear a Packer's jersey. Regardless of whether or not you taped the kid up, you have failed as a father.

This Is Fantastic

2008-01-14T03:09:00.000-05:00

I can't believe I didn't see this until 3 AM. He threw McNabb under the bus after the Super Bowl but he's crying for Tony Romo? Good fucking Christ. I could really get used to the Tony Romo era in Dallas if every season is going to end with spectacular failure. Enjoy the clip, which comes to you via KSK.

Oops

2008-01-13T21:10:00.000-05:00

Maybe the Colts aren't going to win the Super Bowl after all. Oh well. I guess it'll be the Pats. I certainly can't see the Chargers beating them, but hey, that's what I said about the Colts, so who knows. By the way, what were the odds that Billy Volek would score the game winning touchdown for the Chargers? 800 billion to one? Higher? They were probably about the same as the odds of the Giants playing in the NFC Championship game when the season started. Whatever. I'm just glad the Cowboys lost. Ha. Hahaha. Hahahahahahaha. Fuck Dallas.

Playoff Picks, Round 2

2008-01-12T13:57:00.000-05:00

Last week I was 2-2, though I WAS 3-1 against the spread. Whatever. Kickoff is in 2 hours and I need to make this quick.

Seattle at Green Bay: I'm STILL not sold on the Packers, the number 2 seed in the NFC (what a shitty conference!) but the Seahawks are even worse. Shaun Alexander, you can die a slow, painful, embarrassingly homosexual death, a la Vito Spatafore. And Hasselbeck, you can go to hell too. Not because you aren't good, but because I drafted Phillip Rivers instead of you on my fantasy team. Fuck Phillip Rivers. And fuck you for being bald. If you had hair, I probably would have trusted you more and drafted you. Green Bay wins, and the Favre Fellatio continues for at least another week.

Jacksonville at New England: Yeah, the Jags match up well against the Pats, but they didn't look too impressive against the Steelers. If it weren't for a botched holding call on 4th down, we'd be talking about how badly the Steelers would lose tot he Pats. (BADLY.) Anyway, are you really going to take David Garrard against Tom Brady and Bill Belichick at home? I'm not. Pats cruise to the AFC championship.

N.Y. Giants at Dallas: Well, everyone and their mother is picking Eli and his "road warrior" Giants on the road, and not without due cause. The Cowboys haven't looked that good since the Green Bay game. T.O. is banged up (though I think he plays and plays well). Romo's IQ is dropping by association due to his blond love interest. No, not Joe Buck. Her. And the Giants are playing well. Also, this is the third time these teams are meeting this season. They know each other. Either way, it will be close. I hate both of these teams, and nothing would make me happier than a Dallas loss, but I don't think it happens this week. The Cowboys win a thoroughly entertaining game.

San Diego at Indianapolis: Norv Turner and Phillip Rivers against Tony Dungy and Peyton Manning? Ha. Ha ha. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha. Yeah. Fucking. Right. This will be the least close of the games this weekend. Indy will win handily. Remember, they DID win 13 of their first 15 games. And yes, one of those 2 losses was to the Chargers, but had Vinatieri made a relatively close field goal with less than 2 minutes left, they would have won. I'm going on the record now and saying I think the Colts win the Super Bowl.

That'll do it for now. Enjoy the games.

Westbrook Named To All Pro Team

2008-01-09T15:58:00.000-05:00

Brian Westbrook was named as one of two All Pro running backs today by the Associated Press. (The other was Ladainian Tomlinson.) Westbrook, who led the NFL in yards from scrimmage with 2,104, certainly deserved it. No other Eagles were selected, and really, none deserved to be. The team seems pretty solid in terms of who deserves to be there; only Ed Reed stuck out as someone who might not have earned his spot. That being said, Reed, who only had 39 tackles, did have 7 interceptions. (The entire team can be seen here.)

My only other real complaint was Devin Hester as the kick returner. That guy is just plain overrated.

Jeff Garcia Does It Again

2008-01-06T17:58:00.001-05:00

For the third time in his career, Jeff Garcia led his team past the Giants in the playoffs, outplaying Eli Manning en route to an easy victory for the Bucs. This of course will validate the opinion of many in Philadelphia that Eagles should have resigned the 37 year old quarterback despite having a younger, more talented QB on their roster. Yes, after watching his virtuoso performance today in Florida, one has to wonder why the Eagles didn't resign Garcia. Good luck in Dallas next week Jeff.

Playoff Picks

2008-01-04T03:00:00.000-05:00

This is not against the spread. Just who I think will win. I'll be doing this every week through the Super Bowl. Let's get it on.

Saturday:
-Washington at Seattle: The Seahawks aren't very good. Neither are the Redskins. Gotta love the NFC. Seattle is very good at home, and I like Matt Hasselbeck more than Todd Collins. Seattle wins a boring game.

-Jacksonville at Pittsburgh: Contrary to popular belief, the Jags did not blow the Steelers out last time. Also, everyone and their mother is picking the Jags. Not a good sign. Pittsburgh wins at home.

Sunday:
-N.Y. Giants at Tampa Bay: I'm not terribly sold on the Bucs, but the Giants stink. (Again, gotta love the NFC.) It's Eli Manning people. He may never win a playoff game. The Bucs outplay one of the worst 10 win teams of all time.

-Tennessee at San Diego: There's a chance Kerry Collins starts this game. Yikes. Norv isn't going to blow this one. San Diego wins easily.

Ah, playoff football. Even without the Eagles, I still love you. Enjoy the weekend.

Ed Stefanski Is Doing His Job

2007-12-29T15:08:00.000-05:00

Kyle Korver and his terrible contract were traded tot he Jazz for Gordan Giricek AND a first round pick. Look, I like Korver, but he's a one dimensional player. Yes, he can shoot threes. No, he can't guard anyone. And yes, he was overpaid. They seem like pretty similar players, although Giricek is older. Can't say this wasn't a good trade, because it looks like it was. Have fun in Salt Lake City Kyle.

This Just In: Donovan McNabb Is Still Good

2007-12-23T18:59:00.000-05:00

I don't care if the Saints have a terrible secondary. I don't care if that final TD was a result of mind-boggling play calling. Donny can still play. Fuck all you haters. Yes, Angelo Cataldi, I AM looking at you. Blowhard.

To everyone else, Merry Christmas. That's right, I said it. Merry fucking Christmas. Hanukkah is over, and really, does anyone even know what Kwanzaa is? Kwanzaabot has been handing out that book for over 600 years. If you do know what it is, and you celebrate it, Happy Kwanzaa.

I'll be taking a few days off from this, unless something really awesome or noteworthy happens. Enjoy the holiday(s).

A Year Later, It Still Hurts

2007-12-19T20:55:00.000-05:00

Allen Iverson was traded a year ago today. It, um, hasn't exactly worked out for the Sixers. Watching him made me giggle on a consistent basis with the way he made impossible plays seem routine. No other athlete has ever done that.

Video courtesy of The 700 Level.

My Thoughts On A Game I'm Not Going To Watch

2007-12-18T20:37:00.000-05:00

Hooray, the Pro Bowl! Excuse while I don't give a shit. Still, the selection is interesting. It's always nice to see Eagles going to the game. Westbrook obviously deserves to be there. I suppose Andrews does too, but I don't know much about offensive lines. All in all I don't have much of a problem with the rosters, but I do have a couple legit gripes.

First of all, where is Trent Cole? He is 3rd in the NFL in sacks with 12.5, 2nd in the NFC, and he has been by far the best and most consistent player on the Eagles' defense. I understand that they're 6-8, and that the players taken ahead of him are all on playoff teams, but Osi Umenyiora? Don't get me wrong, he's good, but had William (Tra) Thomas played in week 4, he doesn't come anywhere near this roster. Half (HALF!) of his 12 sacks came in one game against a clearly overmatched Winston Justice. Cole has 65 tackles to Umenyiora's 43, and they have both forced 4 fumbles. Also, Cole doesn't have the luxury of playing opposite Michael Strahan. Why no one else outside of Philadelphia is mentioning this, I don't know.

Second, Al Harris is starting in the Pro Bowl? Really? HE'S A FUCKING BUM. I don't care if he's big and fast, he can't cover anyone! It's like people in the NFL don't actually watch him play. Have fun with Randy Moss, Al. Just don't forget to celebrate the one interception off a deflected pass after Randy has already torched you for 3 TDs and 120 yards in the 1st half.

And last and maybe even least, no disrespect to Adrian "Purple Jesus" Peterson, but Westbrook should be the starter for the NFC. Peterson is a hell of a player. He absolutely deserves to be on the team, and I'm sure this won't be his last Pro Bowl. But if you needed to win a game tomorrow, and you had to take one NFC running back, it wouldn't be Peterson. (It might be Steven Jackson, but he's missed too many games to qualify for this argument.) I'm not saying Peterson won't be a better player than Westbrook, but right now, he isn't nearly as complete. No, Westbrook isn't going to run for 296 yards anytime soon, especially not with the way the Eagles play the game. But he would also never gain only 3 yards on 14 carries. That just wouldn't happen. Westbrook is also the best pass-catching RB in the game. He has 83 receptions to Peterson's 17, with 450 more yards to show for it. Peterson has 13 overall scores, Westbrook has 11. Peterson has lost 3 fumbles, Westbrook has lost 1, and it was his first in over 500 touches. Peterson has a very bright future ahead of him, but I don't think he's had a better year than Brian Westbrook. Call me a homer, but I think the stats back me up.

Well Done Fellas

2007-12-16T19:49:00.000-05:00

You beat the Cowboys. That's always nice. Now do us all a favor and lose the next two games. We need the highest possible draft pick. Don't do anything crazy like go and make the playoffs. No one needs that.

Anyway, there have got to be a lot of pissed off fantasy football players today, and not just because Westbrook took a knee at the 1 yard line instead of scoring a TD. At least he put up 140 total yards before that. Needed 5 points from Tom Brady or Tony Romo? Sorry. Needed 8 From Randy Moss? Tough shit. Needed 4 from T.O. Oops. Got stuck playing against Aaron Stecker? Damn. But hey, this happens every year. Once you get to the playoffs, it's a new game. Kinda like real football, though the similarities end there.

Anyway, I'm not crazy enough to think the Eagles' season isn't over, even if, mathematically, it isn't. But beating Dallas in Dallas in a meaningful game always makes me smile.

Lenny Dykstra Did 'Roids?

2007-12-15T14:12:00.000-05:00

Really? And have you heard John Kruk liked hot dogs? And that Allen Iverson has tattoos? And Donovan McNabb is black! Really!

I mean, duhhhh... We didn't love Nails because he hit 16 homeruns in '93. We love Nails because he was balls to the fucking wall, day in, day out. It's the exact opposite of the Clemens situation. Even if he were clean, no on would love him. Because he's a fucking asshole.

Some names were surprises though, but on the whole, Bud Selig needs to be punished for this. God I hate him. More thoughts on the report later. (Maybe.)

Rowand, Iguchi, Goin, Goin, Out, Out, to Cali, Cali

2007-12-12T17:46:00.000-05:00

Iguchi got a one year deal from the Padres to play second base (the Phils offered him an undisclosed amount for 2 years to play 3rd). Rowand got a 5 year deal worth $60 million to play for the Giants. While I'm sad to see him go, I think giving him that much money for that long is a mistake, especially when Ryan Howard needs a fat raise, and Cole Hamels will need one soon too. I'm a little worried about Jason Werth playing right field for a full season, more because of his health than his ability. Also, the 6-7-8 hitters on this team will scare no one. Good thing 1-5 is crap-your-pants worthy.

If the Mets don't land Santana (or Haren or Bedard) this team can still win the division as is. If the Mets DO land one of those guys, well, we have a problem.

You're Leaving Already?

2007-12-11T21:47:00.000-05:00

Really Bobby Petrino? Only 13 games? Yeah, I know you only won 3 of them, but still. You weren't the goat here. The blame was going to fall on that Vick guy. You could have at least stuck around for another year and tried to pull things together. No one was blaming you. You hadn't done well, but few, if any, would have if thrust into such a situation.

Arkansas? Really? It's not like they're a big time power. Darren McFadden wont be there next season. There are about 6-7 teams better than them in the SEC, give or take. I don't even think you'll feel less scrutiny there. No one in Atlanta actually gives a shit about their sports teams. But them good ol' boys down in Little Rock*? They care. A lot. So good luck, I guess. According to Don Banks at SI.com, no one in Atlanta is going to miss you anyway.

*University of Arkansas may not actually be located in Little Rock, which is the only city in Arkansas of which I have heard.

T.O. or Randy? The Debate Ends Here

2007-12-10T17:08:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I know this blog hasn't been updated in almost a week. Sorry. I been busy. Zwill might be dead. It won't happen again. Unless it does. Anyway, moving on. Before I get into the crux of this post - who is a better player, T.O. or Randy Moss - I'd just like to add a couple things about the Birds game.

Um, they stink. I'm not sure the Eagles have ever been this mediocre in my life - they've been better, and they've been worse. The play calling stinks, the execution outside of Westbrook leaves a lot to be desired, and the receivers just aren't good enough to make defenses worry about anyone other than Westbrook. The reason this offense was so fearsome in 2004 wasn't just a healthy McNabb and a superb Westbrook. It had a lot to do with a certain closeted homosexual that was really good at catching footballs.

They had their big 3 and they barely lost to a Patriots team that slightly outplayed them and more than slightly outcoached them, but that's another article I may or may not write. The point is, despite being one or two lucky breaks from the Lobardi Trophy, the Eagles' brass, T.O. and Drew Rosenhaus all came together to ruin a beautiful situation that would have kept the Eagles as Super Bowl contenders for years to come. Instead, the hated player is playing for the hated team and anyone who thinks the Eagles are better off without him is a douchebag idiot. Ditto for anyone who thinks Randy Moss was a risk when all you had to give up was a 4th round pick. Anyway, onto the comparison.

You have to choose one for a whole season. Both of these guys are motivated. Every other player on the team remains constant. Who you pickin', T.O. or Randy?

Tagline:
Owens: "Jeff Garica (read: Terrell Owens) ain't straight, homey."
Moss: "Straight cash, Homey."
Edge: Moss, by a lot.

Physical Stats:
Owens: 6'3", 224 lbs, really fucking strong, pretty damn fast, decent leaper, above average hands, but drops a lot of passes
Moss: 6'4, 210 lbs, strong enough, really fucking fast, great leaper, fantastic hands
Edge: Moss, slightly, because he almost never drops a pass and T.O. rarely makes you go "Holyfuckingshit!" when he makes a catch, whereas Moss does it constantly.

2007 Stats (through 13 games):
Owens: 74 catches, 1270 yards, 97.7 yards per game, 14 TDs
Moss: 82, 1264, 97.2, 19 TDs
Edge: Moss, slightly. T.O. isn't the same redzone target Moss is because he doesn't jump quite as high and Dallas has other good options in Witten and Barber. Still, both guys are having great years, but you can't ignore a 5 TD difference.

Career Stats:
Owens: 171 games played, 875 catches, 12,985 yards, 75.9 yards per game, 128 TDs
Moss: 151, 758, 11,964, 79.2, 120
Edge: Owens, slightly, and here's why: He never takes a game off. Love him or hate him, regardless of whatever venom he might spew about his QB or coach or team during the week, he comes to play. Always. Randy had 11 TDs in TWO seasons combined in Oakland - his last two seasons before coming to New England. Not counting Owens' 2005 campaign, when he was still putting up gaudy numbers until the Eagles shut him down after 7 games - he has put up 14 or more TDs in all but two of his seasons since 1998, which was his coming out party. Randy has admitted to not really giving a shit sometimes. When he gives a shit he's phenomenal, but sometimes he doesn't. That isn't cool.

Locker room persona:
Owens: If he's happy, everyone is happy.
Moss: Less influential and less vocal than Owens, but if he isn't pleased, it will be clear.
Edge: Even, although if either is unhappy, T.O. will still perform on the field. Moss might not.

Career defining moment(s) to date:
Owens: That catch he made against the Packers in the playoffs in 1998 remains one of the more impressive grabs I've ever seen. That was the exclamation point to a season that put him on the map. That being said, his career may be more defined by the whole Jeff Garcia and Donovan McNabb feuds than by his extraordinary talent.
Moss: After falling all the way to 21st in the 1998 draft, Moss set the league on fire for a team that holds the NFL record for points scored - a record that Moss' new team is about to break. He put up 1,300 yards and 17 TDs as a rookie, and only had one season with fewer than 10 TDs in Minnesota before going to Oakland. Before he left Minnesota there was no debate as to who the best receiver in the NFL was. His 19 TDs this season make his subpar performance in Oakland easy to overlook, unless of course you're a Raiders fan.
Edge: Moss, slightly. Neither of these guys will be remembered as ideal teammates, but if they both retired today, Moss' legacy would be cleaner and more impressive.

Final Verdict: Moss, but it's close. They're both essentially locks for the Hall, but Moss is the more unique, dynamic talent. Also, he isn't nearly as big of a dick/drama queen.

Oh No. No No No No No.

2007-12-04T23:35:00.000-05:00

Rumor - substantiated rumor - has it that both Miguel Cabrera AND Dontrelle Willis are headed to the Tigers for six players I've never heard of who someday may be good. We're adding BOTH of these guys to the Tigers?!?!?!?!

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. On the surface this isn't all bad - at least the Phillies don't have to play them 19 times a year. But holy shit, who the fuck is going to beat the Tigers?! Miguel Cabrera is, by my humble estimate, the third best hitter in baseball, all things considered. (Pujols and A-rod are ahead of him. It's also possible that Matt Holiday is as well, but remember, he's a Rockie.) Yes, even I, worshiper of all things Utley, think he is better than Chase. And now he's joining a line up that is going to feature him, Magglio Ordonez, Gary Sheffield, Curtis Granderson, Carlos Guillen, Placido Polanco, Ivan Rodriguez AND Edgar Renteria?! Hold on to your asses, American League. Y'all in some trouble.

And then there's Dontrelle, who, granted, has not looked good since his monster 2005 campaign. But he's still young and Comerica is a pitcher's paradise. Barring injuries, this team is winning 110+ games. Yikes. This makes me especially sad for two reasons:

1.) I really, REALLY wanted the Phillies to land Cabrera. I don't care what it would have taken, as long as it wasn't Chase, Jimmy or Cole. I would have given up Howard. Yes, Cabrera is THAT good. And he's 24.

2.) What has happened with the Marlins - winners of not one but TWO World Series championships over the course of their 15 year existence - is absolutely sickening. Your team has no revenue? Thats because you alienate all your fucking fans by selling off your talent! The firesales that occurred after 1997 and 2003 were atrocities. That team needs to be either moved or taken from the current ownership. In a city with a HUGE Latino population, you can't sell baseball tickets? That, my friends, is sad.

So yeah, this is terrible news for anyone not in Detroit. For anyone in Detroit, go fuck yourselves. Lucky jerks.

Maybe The Sixers Are Headed In The Right Direction After All

2007-12-04T19:22:00.002-05:00

They finally canned Billy King, one of the absolute worst GMs in basketball (which is REALLY saying something). This move came abut 6 years too late, but hey, better late than never. King started fucking up as soon as he was handed the keys to the franchise - he drafted Larry Hughes over Paul pierce, among others, in 1998 - and kept fucking up until they got rid of him, which they did today.

His replacement, Ed Stefanski, has at the very least a decent resume, as he is one of the architects behind the current New Jersey Nets team, which is good if not great. He is also a Philly area native and will no doubt be committed to making the Sixers not suck. Good luck buddy. You got a ways to go.

You've GOT To Be Kidding Me

2007-12-03T23:58:00.000-05:00

I... I got nothin'. Despite Brady ending up on his ass multiple times, the Ravens, much like the Eagles, couldn't take care of business. Patriots, 2, mid-Atlantic birds of prey, 0. I'd be lying if I said I was sick, but I'd be lying if I said I was thrilled, too. For the third week out of 4, the Pats had no business winning and somehow still did. Oh well. As I said before, I don't know if someone will best this team, but shit, someone can. Fingers crossed baby, fingers crossed.

How Dare You Boo A.J. Feeley!

2007-12-03T00:00:00.000-05:00

Yes you, fellow Eagles fans. You wanted A.J., you got him. Why any of you are the least bit surprised that a back up quarterback played like - gasp! - a back up quarterback, I have no idea. But in a poll conducted by the local NBC affiliate, over 70% of those polled this past week said they wanted Feeley to start regardless of McNabb's health. So, roughly 70% of Eagles fans are morons, give or take? Yeah, that sounds about right.

Well, I'm not a fucking moron. Feeley now has 7 interceptions on the season. Donovan McNabb has 6. A.J. has started 2 games. Donovan has started 10. Hmmm, one of those things is worse than the other. Now look, I understand McNabb is still banged up. It is, after all, December. Given the circumstances, Feeley should have started against the Seahawks. But the circumstances are not "A.J. Feeley is better than Donovan McNabb". The circumstances are "Donovan McNabb is hurt". And Jesus, he needs to heal. Fast.

Honestly? I'm glad Feeley played like dog shit. Don't get me wrong, I wanted the Eagles to win, but I was tired of hearing blowhards like Angelo Cataldi croon on about how McNabb needs to go. SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP. He's the second best Philadelphia athlete of my generation - behind Allen Iverson - and while Chase Utley is one more great season away from surpassing him, he will forever go down as one of the greatest Eagles of all time, and that's saying something.

Before the season started I wrote this, a piece about great Philly athletes of the last 15 years leaving town despite having something left in the tank, something to contribute to the team, and about how I do not want to see McNabb going down that road. A week ago it seemed inevitable that he would be gone well before he retired, before he stopped playing well. A week, later, that seems less certain. After the game reporters were getting fan reactions from Feeley's God-awful performance. One reporter had this exchange with a fan that had brought a pro-Feeley sign to the game:

Reporter: So who do you want to be the starter next week?
Fan: McNabb!
Reporter: But last week you said you wanted Feeley.
Fan: Well not no more!

Without even playing, Donovan has gained back much of the fan support that was rightfully his. And for that, I will not boo A.J. Feeley. I thank him. The Eagles needed him, and he came through in spades. Now let us never speak of him again.

Al Harris Is A Bum

2007-12-01T18:47:00.000-05:00

While watching the cowboys-Packers game Thusrday night, Bryant Gumbel - the man that Wayne Brady makes look like Malcom X - said that "there is no finer cornerback in football" than Al Harris. Um, do you watch football Mr. Gumbel? Al Harris stinks. Yeah, he's 6'2" and he's fast, but that doesn't mean he knows how to cover anyone. T.O. was ass-raping Harris all night long to the tune of 140+ yards and a TD - in the first half. And it would have been even worse if Owens hadn't decided to lateral what would have been another touchdown to Harris in the endzone.

Harris was the Eagles' nickelback for a couple years, and my friends and I used to joke about how he was pass interference penalty just waiting to happen. We would actually make bets as to when he would be flagged prior to every game. It was actually kind of fun. Once, as a senior in high school, I was sitting in homeroom discussing Harris and his lack of talent with a friend when a girl in my class, surnamed Harris, overheard us and this exchange took place:

Her: Hey, he's my uncle!
Me: Really? Oh. Well he's still a terrible cornerback.
Her: So, he's still my uncle!

(20 seconds of blank staring).

But you see, even she had no defense for the fact that he was a bum. Not much has changed since then. Al Harris sucks.

FUCK MARKO JARIC

2007-11-27T22:39:00.000-05:00

That son of a bitch is dating my woman. That is NOT FUCKING COOL. You hear me Marko? You just made the list. Me and you buddy, we're throwing down. I mean, come the fuck on.

This man:
is fucking this woman?!?!?!:
Ye gods... there is no God. Marko, however, would probably disagree.

And, to ease our collective pain at this news, and the much more dire Sean Taylor news (R.I.P) here are some more gratuitous Adriana Lima pictures:

Jesus.
Mary.
And Joseph.

Someday, my darling. Someday you will be mine.

Sheldon Was Almost Right. Almost.

2007-11-26T03:08:00.000-05:00

Oh, that was close. So very, very close. Let me just say, first and foremost, that I am proud of the Eagles. They put up one hell of a fight and even, on a select few occasions, looked like the better team. They weren't the better team, and they sure aren't the better team, but to a casual observer, they may have appeared that way at times.

There are a few things that need to be said about this game. For only the second time this season, the Patriots looked mortal. Someone may not beat this team, but shit, someone can. The don't run that well. The defense isn't that good. (It's easy to seem that good when the offense keeps you off the field for 40 minutes a game.) And Tom Brady, well, okay, he's really fucking good. He may have only had one TD, but he didn't really make a bad throw all game. Maybe one or two, but not when it mattered. Did anyone really think the Eagles were going into halftime with a lead when Brady was driving at the end of the first half, down by 4? I sure didn't. No one runs a two minute drill better than he does. That fucking asshole.

What also needs to be said is this: A.J. FEELEY IS NOT A BETTER QUARTERBACK THAN DONOVAN McNABB. He never has been, and he never will be. So seriously, all of you idiots here in Philly that think he's the answer, please, shut up. How soon we forget that this is a young man that couldn't hold down a starting job for the soon-to-be 0-11 Miami Dolphins. He's a good back up QB, but that's just it - he's still a back up. A.J. played admirably against the Patriots, but he wasn't "amazing" or "incredible", which were both words I heard someone use to describe his performance tonight. McNabb probably wouldn't have thrown that first interception and he definitely wouldn't have thrown the second one.

One could argue that he may not have made the plays in between those two passes that kept the Eagles in the game, and to that I offer this: if the Eagles coaches called the exact same gameplan for McNabb that they do for any of his back ups, (Feeley, Garica - anyone), then he would be more effective than any of those guys. He is a better QB than any of those guys and would therefore be more effective than any of them if the coaches would use the same gameplan, which is: throw when you have to, but win with Westbrook. The Eagles had to throw a lot tonight because the Patriots keyed in on Westbrook, and trust me people, a healthy Donovan McNabb throws the ball better than a healthy A.J. Feeley every fucking time. It isn't McNabb's fault that Andy still thinks he's the best player on the Eagles. This game was as close as it was because Jim Johnson is a genius and because the playcalling was simple and effective, not because A.J. Feeley is Joe Montana. If McNabb is healthy - and I will concede the possibility that he may not be for quite some time - he should start for this football team. End of discussion.

As for the rest of the game, well, you gotta hand it to both sides. The Eagles deserve credit for shoving what was obviously, in retrospect, one of the most ridiculous spreads of all time down the throats of anyone who bet against them. And the Patriots deserve credit because, well, they did win. And that is, unfortunately, the bottom line. They won. They are still undefeated and will remain that way for at least 7 more days. But there is hope. Someone can beat this team, and God willing, someone will. I can't live in a world where Philadelphia fans rightfully think of Boston fans as obnoxious blowhards. If you think they're bad now - and they are - just wait until the Pats go 19-0. Trust me, we ain't seen nothin' yet. Here's hopin' we never will.

Sheldon Sez: Pats Are Beatable.

2007-11-21T17:01:00.000-05:00

You know, if you injure Brady or Moss. A direct quote from Sheldon Brown, starting cornerback for the Eagles, who face the Patriots this Sunday night:

"I think everybody's beatable. This is what's funny to me, and this is why I don't gamble. Say Tom Brady takes a blow to the head in the first quarter and gets a concussion. Are they beatable? Say Randy Moss runs a go route and pulls a hamstring. Are they beatable? It takes a total team effort. Everybody seems to forget that. the game we play, it's such a violent sport, you never known when I guy is going to go down."

Word. That's what I want to hear from my defensive players. Brown isn't stupid. He knows he can't cover Moss. No one can. But if Moss were to pull a hammy, or catch a shiv in the back, shit, you never know who might win.

On a related note, the Eagles are 22 point underdogs. Damn. That's the second highest spread ever. In the history of the NFL. Now, if McNabb and Quentin Mikell announce they're playing, that will probably drop to a more reasonable 17 or so. Yikes. Remember when these two teams played in the Super Bowl? Yeah, they've gone in different directions since then.

M-V-P! M-V-P!

2007-11-20T21:04:00.000-05:00

Yes, Jimmy Rollins won the National League MVP award today, becoming the second Phillie in as many years to win the award. Did Rollins deserve it? Yeah, sure, why not. Am I a little biased? I guess. But I wouldn't exactly be frothing mad right now had Matt Holliday won the award. His numbers were pretty good.

Here's Jimmy's take on the whole situation:

I do think Rollins was a little more consistent across the board, although I did see one amazing stat about Holliday's season - during his worst month, he hit .270+ with 7 homers. That was his worst month. Yikes. He's good. Real good. But Rollins was better on the road, he's a very good defender and he was the one constant in a Phillies season that was ravaged by injuries and inconsistent play. (Honestly, had Utley not missed any time, he probably would have won this award.)

Rollins made some ca-razy statements this winter, and he backed them up. He killed the Mets this year. He got a ton of clutch hits. And he played 162 games at the most demanding position on the field other than catcher. Both men deserved it. I'm glad Jimmy got it. Now, if he could just win a playoff game...

In Defense of Barry Bonds

2007-11-17T18:12:00.000-05:00

Look, let me say this immediately - I don't like Barry Bonds. He's a dick. Always has been, always will be. These recent developments, however, are a tad over the top. He's being indicted for perjury? Really? Are you going to indite Rafael Palmeiro too? What about Mark "I'm not here to talk about the past" McGwire? (I always loved how he was allowed to get away with saying that WHEN HE WAS APPEARING IN FRONT OF CONGRESS TO DISCUSS HIS PAST!) Good grief. What about Sammy "I suddenly don't speak English" Sosa?

You're going to punish Bonds - because he just happened to be a better baseball player than those guys - and not them? You're going to punish him for not being friendly to the media? Yo, fuck that.

You want to take away his record (if that's even possible)? Fine. No one who actually cares about baseball considers him the "Home Run King". (A couple days ago the headline in the paper read "Home Run King Indicted" and my immediate reaction was "Hank Aaron was indicted?") You want to essentially force him into retirement? Done.

You want to render all of his accomplishments on the baseball diamond worthless? Beyond done. But you want to put him in jail? Come on now. That isn't fair.

If you ask me, this whole thing just REEKS of Monica Lewinsky. No, it doesn't smell like cheeseburgers and dick. I didn't mean it literally. I mean it sounds just like the whole scandal that wasted God only knows how much of our time and money. Did the president get freaky with a fat intern? Yup. Was it any of our fucking business? HELL. FUCKING. NO. That's my problem with perjury: if you have no business asking the question, I don't have to answer it truthfully.

Now, with Bonds it is a little different. We do have a right, as baseball fans, to know if he used performance enhancing drugs. However, at the time of use, he wasn't violating the rules of baseball. Just like Clinton wasn't breaking any laws by letting a fatty schlob his knob. Both Bonds and Clinton were being asked questions they should not have had to answer. Baseball had Barry's test results. He didn't need to go on the stand. And he certainly shouldn't be sent to jail for trying to save his image. Do you really think anyone in the world is more upset about this than Bonds? Not a chance. This is especially upsetting for him (and sad for baseball fans) because he would have been a shoo in for the Hall based on his natural ability alone.

Now? That's all gone. He might get into the Hall of Fame someday, but it will be a pretty vacant honor. The one thing Bonds always had going for him was the respect of true baseball fans, love him or hate him. That's gone now too. And it's never coming back. Do we really need to waste a prison cell (and plenty of taxpayer dollars) on this guy? No. We don't.

Now, if you want to lock Bud Selig up for a while, hey, I'm all for it.

I Hate Fantasy Football

2007-11-13T00:30:00.000-05:00

Really, I do. So why do I play it? And why do I have 11 teams? I don't fucking know. Only 3 of those teams matter (the other 8 are free ESPN teams), but this shit still pisses me off to no end. It's like gambling - I got hooked in 2005 when I had a team that featured Shaun Alexander (his MVP season), Larry Johnson (when he went apeshit all over the league after Priest went down), Carson Palmer (his breakout season) and Steve Smith (his comeback year). And the rest of the roster was well rounded too, not that it mattered. (You can see the final team here.) Those four usually outscored the other team I was playing by themselves.

(For the record, I did lose in the final after winning 8 straight because Smith and Palmer did nothing and my opponent had Frank Gore, who felt like breaking out in week 16 of the 2005 NFL season. You see? I told you I fucking hate fantasy football.)

Anyway, after feeling really smart about the way I drafted that team, I had become sucked in. It was really just beginners luck, kind of like how everyone wins the first time they go to Atlantic City. That isn't to say I'm bad at fantasy football, because I'm not. But ever since that first team, it seems nothing has gone right.

Let's use my two star runningbacks from 2005 as examples, shall we? In 2006, in the only league I was playing in that mattered, I was lucky enough to have the first pick. Who did I take? LaDanian Tomlinson - who, for the record, Zwill did say was the best player in football right before the drat started. He's so wise - the man who assraped the league and many an opposing fantasy team? No sir. I took Johnson. Yeah, he had a decent year, but the Chiefs had no other weapons, Herm tried to run him into the ground and there were numerous later picks that outperformed him.

Then there's Shaun Alexander. In 2006 I was fortunate enough to not own him on any teams. 2007 has not been so kind. I have him on no less than 5 teams - including 2 of the important ones - and he is making me quite homicidal. Five fucking teams. I have him on five more teams than Adrian Peterson, Tom Brady and Randy Moss combined. He hasn't scored double digit points since week two. And to think I could have had Joseph Addai on all but one of those teams. Ugh. I fucking hate fantasy football. I can't wait to play it for the next 40 years.

Phils Get Lidge, Lose Bourn

2007-11-08T00:46:00.000-05:00

I was going to title this post "Hey Charlotte, How Does Your Ass Feel?", but when I went over to ESPN to check the score of the Sixers game (94-63), this story had just been posted. The Phils gave up Geoff Geary and Michael Bourn (and some minor leaguer) for Brad Lidge, a man with the ability to be one of the premier closers in baseball. You hate to lose Bourn, a speedy outfielder with a ton of potential, but he probably isn't going to be an effective full time major leaguer for the Astros this year. And he may never be. For a very in depth evaluation, check out what Kieth Law has to say. (You will need ESPN Insider to read the entire article.)

More importantly, this allows the Phillies to move Brett Myers back to the rotation. Thank. Fucking. God. Look, Myers was pretty effective as a closer, I can't argue that. You know why? He's a good fucking pitcher! You want your best pitchers throwing 200+ innings if they have the arm to do it, and he has that arm. Now, with Hamels, the Phillies boast a very, very solid 1-2 punch at the top of the rotation. While the rest of the rotation wont scare anyone, it should be good enough to return the Phillies to the playoffs if the lineup does its thing.

And, speaking of the lineup, this trade makes me think the Phillies will keep Rowand. It's that, or go to war with Jason Werth as your right fielder. Werth had a great second half, but Rowand is a proven player, and we love him here in Philly. As long as the asking price isn't way too high, he should be brought back. He had a great year and was integral to the team's success.

Anyway, that's all I know for now. But this much is certain: The Bobcats are going to have trouble sitting down tonight. 31 points? To the Sixers? These Sixers? Yeesh.

Oh, and the Flyers beat the Penguins for the first time since April 2006 by a score of 3-1 to improve their record to 9-5. Yippee.

Nothing good happened to the Eagles. Hey, three outta four ain't bad.

Hey Besiktas, How Does Your Ass Feel?

2007-11-06T21:04:00.000-05:00

I'll bet it hurt, because you just got raped. Viciously. By Liverpool. 8-0? Ho-ly shit. Way to be on the wrong end of a Champions League record. Dayum. Y'all got smoked. Peter Crouch, one of the many Brits more talented than David Beckham, opened and closed the scoring. In between Yossi Benayoun notched a hat trick, Steven Gerrard (another Brit way better than Beckham) added a beauty, and Ryan Babel also tallied a pair, the first of which was a glorious backheel that I will post video of as soon as I find it. Mmm, Champions League soccer. Gotta love it.

This Just In: The Eagles Stink!

2007-11-05T14:09:00.000-05:00

Wait a minute... that isn't "just in". We've known that for weeks now. All last night's game did was drive that point home in a way that only a nationally televised game against the Cowboys could. The 'Boys won 38-17, and, um, it wasn't that close. The Eagles are now 4 games back in the division with only 8 to play. They are also 0-3 within the division, having lost to the Redskins, Giants and Cowboys once each, all on national TV.

So what's going on? The Eagles used to dominate on national TV (unless it was an NFC championship game). Now? Now they don't dominate anything. I mean, one week they keep Adrian "Purple Jesus" Peterson in check, and the next week Tony Romo is ass-raping them with a plunger, and doing it with a smile. Yes, the Cowboys are a much better team than the Vikings (and the Eagles, for that matter) but it still does not explain why the Eagles have been so maddeningly inconsistent this season. Usually, when a team plays so up and down over the course of the season, it's time to look at the coach.

Ah yes, the coach. Now look, I have nothing but sympathy for Andy Reid and what he has had to deal with in terms of his offspring over the course of the last year. This isn't his fault. If they were 16, then maybe you could point a finger at him and his wife, but these boys are grown men (albeit stupid ones). Yes, he has, for the last decade at least, worked ridiculously long hours. You know why? To provide for his family! That's how you idiots repay him? Selling drugs in the ghetto and brandishing fire arms at other drivers? Deep down I'm praying those boys don't reproduce, but something tells me they will. They are, after all, Mormons.

Now, it would be foolish to say that Andy has not been affected by the behavior surrounding the idiots known as Britt and Garrett Reid. However, Andy maintains that it does not affect the way he coaches. Well Andy, I'm calling shenanigans. Either it is affecting you and you need to take a leave of absence (no one will judge you) or it isn't affecting you and you just don't know how to coach anymore. The latter is certainly a possibility, but it's still hard to believe for a man who has won over 60% of the games he has coached. But he did, after all, call that punt at the end of the Saints playoff game last year, so maybe he is losing it. And he's always been terrible with clock management. Still, he's got to be one of the better coaches in the NFL, right? Isn't it time for him to take a break, let the Eagles cruise to a 6-10 record, get a nice draft pick and work on next year? Look, I'm not advocating my team go in the tank, but shit, they aren't a playoff team, let alone a Super Bowl contender.

I'm also not advocating the start of the Kevin "Corn on the" Kolb era. McNabb still has a couple good years left, but when his most dangerous target is Kevin Curtis, you can't expect the Eagles to strike fear into the hearts of opposing defenses. It's time to look at next season. Going 6-2 down the stretch and squeaking into the playoffs for a road game would not be a good thing. If this team is to ever win a Super Bowl with any of the pieces it has in place, another draft pick in the 19-26 range isn't going to help. Should we start throwing games? Of course not. This team is shitty enough to lose games while giving a full effort. But this season is over, even if there are 8 games left. Just because I'm not too delusional to admit it, that doesn't make me the asshole. No, the asshole is still this guy.

God, what a fucking asshole.

Pretend You Care About Hockey For A Moment

2007-11-05T07:53:00.000-05:00

Let me make it known immediately that this post, whilst appearing on a Philly-centric sports blog, is written by a lifelong New York sports supporter. Every team I root for – Mets, Giants, Knicks, Rangers – is directly at odds with the four major Philadelphia sports franchises. In spite of this, I am allowed space and time to write on this blog in some sort of meaningless ode to the crippled spirit of the American free speech ideal. It is believed, I assume, that my presence brings a type of balance to the equation, if by balance we mean “a different biased perspective.” In any case, it was inevitable that the interests of this blog would run counter to my own and we have our first example of that this evening in the form of the first of many Rangers-Flyers contests this year.

(There will be eight such matchups this season, in fact, given that the NHL does not want you to see anyone outside your division. The Rangers make two trips across the Mississippi river all season, including a two-game jaunt to Minnesota and Colorado in December and a three-game January roadtrip to Calgary, Vancouver and Edmonton, and otherwise don’t travel further than Miami, Tampa and Atlanta for two road contests apiece. Worse off are the Western Conference teams and their fans, which may not see the likes of Crosby, Ovechkin, Heatley – not even Chris Fucking Simon – all season long. But you will be treated to eight games a year with the high-flying New Jersey Devils, led by a barely-pulsing Martin Brodeur. Marty! Wake up!)

The Flyers fast start was much needed. With the Phillies being swept in the first round of the playoffs, the Eagles’ rank-and-file spending an inordinate amount of time with Garrett Reid, and the Sixers beginning another year of pain by giving a starting job to Willie Green, the poor Flyers are left to fly the flag for all of Philadelphia. Last year, the lowly Flyers finished with 56 points, winning a mere 10 of 42 home contests and solidifying their position as the armpit of America’s most frustrating sporting city. But things have suddenly changed and the Flyers are sitting in first place in the Atlantic Division a full month into the season. Most have pointed to the import of Daniel Briere from Buffalo prior to the season as the key to the club’s success but while Briere’s impact is a given, it has been the strong play from the team’s young players – Mike Richards (22 years old), Jeff Carter (22) and Joff Lopul (24) – that has kept the team scoring goals. And a full season of Martin Biron (2.11 GAA in 10 starts) between the pipes will do wonders to make up for the presence of blue line fossils like Derian Hatcher and Jason Smith.

The Rangers came into the season with very high expectations, including many calls for the Cup’s return to the Garden. The team responded as only they can by taking just five points from their first eight games. Even after a recent surge – four wins in five games – they still possess the league’s most inept offense, scoring 1.67 goals per game. Only Edmonton comes close to that pathetic rate at 1.96 GPG. Injuries have played their part as Martin Straka, Sean Avery and Ryan Callahan have all missed significant time but that does not justify the play of many other Ranger forwards. It does not explain why Scott Gomez has a mere five points despite centering Jaromir Jagr. And that’s just one question. Others include: When did Brendan Shanahan become the slowest player in the league? Why is Petr Prucha suddenly useless? How many millions did Jagr lose in his last trip to Vegas?

In spite of their league-worst offense, the Rangers are still 6-6-1, good enough for 13 points, only three behind the Flyers. This can be attributed to several strong defense pairings and one of the league’s top goaltenders, Henrik Lundqvist. The Swede with the expensive haircut has started all 13 contests and possesses a 1.61 GAA. With three shutouts in his last seven games, Henrik is single-handedly keeping the club in contention but even he must be getting a bit tired of his teammates’ incompetence in front of him. At some point he is going to come back to earth.

What can we expect from this evening’s contest? It is the first game of the year between the two rivals but with seven more to come in the next few months I don’t expect either coach to approach this as a crucial early season test. The Rangers took six of eight games from the Flyers last year so one might expect that the Flyers will come out with special purpose but I think that the Rangers’ home-ice advantage (6-2-0 at MSG) will neutralize any special energy that the Flyers bring. I expect the usual defensive tactics and overall stifling of all excitement that the Rangers have employed all season. I will also guarantee several fights. Sean Avery returned to the Rangers’ lineup on Saturday and Ryan Hollweg and Colton Orr will also dress. The Flyers will counter with Ben Eager, Riley Cote and cheap shot artist Randy Jones, fresh off a short suspension for laying out Patrice Bergeron of the Bruins. Hopefully the Rangers will push forward and attempt to score goals rather than, you know, sit back and wait for the game to end. And hopefully the Flyers’ goon squad can avoid anything too dirty, like charging after hecklers in the stands or finishing their checks with shanks in their gloves.

Because Youtube Makes It Look Like We're Working When We're Really Not

2007-11-02T00:39:00.001-04:00

I know I linked to this goal before, but man, it's so pretty I just had to post it again. Lionel Messi is the game's next great, great player. Bask in his brilliance.

Because Injuries to Small Children Are Funny

2007-10-29T22:47:00.000-04:00

Special thanks to Kris D. for the vid.

Blah Blah Boston Blah

2007-10-29T00:07:00.000-04:00

The Patriots won by 45 today, but that's only the second biggest story in Boston. The Red Sox just swept the Rockies (way to fucking go, you purple assholes) in the World Series, and, um... no one really cares? Well, that isn't true. People in Boston care. And bandwagon fans all over the country are pretending to be happy. And for whatever reason Joe Buck wont stop talking. God he sucks. He's like the Dane Cook of sports announcers - untalented and inexplicably famous.

Whatever. I can't watch any more of this celebration. Not because I'm a hater, mind you, but because I just don't care. And maybe a little because I'm a hater.

Anyway, the Eagles won. They beat a team that was starting a QB that couldn't even make their team. That should be all you need to know about the Vikings passing game. Dreadful. The Eagles didn't look awful, but they still suck in the red zone. This is a quintessential 8-8 team if I ever saw one. Yay. Wake me next April. Go Phils.

Some High School Kid Punted A Ball 72 Yards

2007-10-27T15:59:00.000-04:00

His name is Luke Dewall. One of his friends tried spamming a message board about it in the Facebook group I created entitled "Dane Cook is Not funny". I deleted the topic, but I told him I'd link to it so others can vote for it. 72 yards is pretty fucking far for a punt, especially in high school. I'd like to see Sav Rocca do that. If you wanna check it out, fine. If not, I couldn't care less. It can be found here.